By Nicole Hardy of She Emerges
Marriage isn’t easy, people. It’s beautiful, incredible, a blessing, but it ain’t easy. There comes a point when it’s not all bridesmaid’s flowers, fondant cakes, and party favors. It feels more like a hangover from the wedding reception after you downed too much champagne.
I don’t mean to be a buzzkill for engaged couples or even Debbie Downer to newlyweds, but there is a reason your vows say “for better or for worse.”
Knowledge is power, right?
So, let this be the Cliffs Notes to prepare you for the test of your life. Let this information quiz you on your strength, perseverance, and commitment to the real stuff. To see if you’ll never give up, because you didn’t plan to in the first place.
Let’s start from the beginning.
You found your fairy tale, but fairy tales have conflicts and antagonists – just like any other story. We know Cinderella lost her slipper, then luckily found it along with her prince in the end. But maybe she tripped a time or two in those heels? Maybe she fell flat on her face and got ticked off at Prince Charming for not catching her before she hit the ground? Then maybe he got mad at her for getting mad at him?
It happens; trust me.
Sometimes the horse and carriage ride drops you off at a place you didn’t plan on going. Where the fog is thick and your patience is thin, where demands are tall and your temper is short, where bills are high and your spirits are low.
(This is when you get stuck in the middle.) It’s the place where…
Daycare costs as much as college tuition, private schools cost as much as a house, and your mortgage is sucking you dry.
Politics weren’t an issue until motherhood changed your views, then he got a promotion and changed his, too.
Stomach viruses and ear infections become the definition of an all-nighter, and sleep deprivation makes you lash out at the one you need the most.
Parenthood changed from gooeyness over your newborn’s smile to pull-your-hair-out frustration during unstoppable toddler tantrums and teenage rebellion.
Stained-soaked clothing and grimy toilets are washed in buckets of no appreciation because that’s “your role.”
Careers become competitive, measuring who travels more, who wants to travel more, who’s sacrificing their dream, and who wants to quit working altogether.
Grabbing drinks with coworkers leads your imagination to a lifestyle that’s undoubtedly more interesting than your own.
Fighting in front of your kids often happens even though you swore you wouldn’t be those kind of parents, EVER.
And your daughter totally rocks your world by asking, “Do you guys still love each other? I hope you do.”
We love each other, we do. We just weren’t prepared for this phase of life. We became someone other than the person in the wedding photo. We yelled, we cursed, we rolled our eyes and made snide remarks. We loved and hated each other at the same time. We were brave and scared in moments of fury.
I’m not pretending it was something it wasn’t. These aren’t Facebook posts or Instagram photos where only the good times make the status updates. This is the in-your-face-real stuff, the heartbreaking stuff. The cry your eyes out kind of stuff because you want it to get better, but it seems unbelievably worse.
I realize each relationship comes with its own set of circumstances. I am no fool to the overwhelming divorce rate in this country (somewhere around 50%, although statistics waver around the actual number), and I certainly understand deeply complicated situations may prevent a marriage from surviving, but we can learn life lessons from others’ painful realities.
So, don’t do the “I Dos” if this is too real for you.
Only do it if…
You want to fight for that person forever, the one in the rocking chair sitting beside you on the front porch, sharing memories from a lifetime of firsts.
Do it because you want to make sacrifices for each other, like moving for a new job, or taking a pay cut to chase your dream – even if it means starting all over.
Do it because sleepless nights from sickness or worry simply mean family matters most.
Do it because your strengths and weaknesses balance each other on this sea-saw of life.
Do it because your heart-pounding love and steadfast commitment is built on cement that is meant to weather the storm.
Do it because your eyes welled up when he got down on one knee and asked you to be his forever; because he chose you and no one else. Do it because you chose him, too.
Just do it if that badass Nike commercial gets your blood pumping. The one where the athlete is drenched in sweat and fiercely pushes harder and harder to drive through the pain, exhaustion, and tears. She started this journey for a reason, and that reason wasn’t to quit. She’s stronger than that – and so are you.
And dammit, do it because your life will be richer, your adventure will be worth the risk, and your fairy tale will be wonderfully magical in the end.
This post was originally published on She Emerges.
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About the Author
Nicole Hardy is a 40ish-year-old mom of two, obsessed with coffee, her children and her hair. After 14 years in Corporate America, she’s ditched her cubicle for her calling, and launched her blog: She Emerges. She’s finding herself, feeding her soul, and baby she’s emerging! Follow Nicole on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.