By Karen Johnson of The 21st Century SAHM

Dear Pizza Sample Guy at Costco,

Yesterday we paid our bi-weekly visit at our usual 10:01 a.m.

Now, you’ve met my 2-year-old before. You saw him when he was a 19 lb 4-month-old. You know that he’s what many politely call “a good eater.”

So yeah, he sniffed you out from four aisles over. He’s like a cheetah with his food-smelling skills. (I have tried on a few hundreds of occasions to open a bag of chips in another room behind closed doors. That kid can tear around a corner and pick a lock like an escaped convict if he knows a chip is in his future.)

So kind elderly pizza sample guy, I apologize for my son’s behavior as you leisurely cut your fresh-out-of-the-oven pizza into teeny tiny slices. I apologize for his razor-like I’ll-cut-you-old-man-if-you-don’t-hurry-the-fuck-up eyes. I apologize for him getting the shakes and waving his arms frantically.

He does that when food is near.

I apologize that he helped himself to three slices. You see, your teeny tiny samples are a foreign concept to him. He does not subscribe to the “portion control” philosophy that you Costco sample employees try to impart upon your customers.

And I am sorry that when you said, “Can you wait just a minute, little boy? The pizza is still hot,” he responded with, “No. Dis okay,” and stuffed all three teeny tiny slices in his mouth at once. Because he also is completely willing (and does so daily) to sacrifice any and all taste buds as well as the top lining of his tongue in order to be the first to take a bite.

Of anything.

You seemed like a such a kind man. I hope my kid is not the only fat 2-year-old who stole pizza off of your stand and threatened your life.

Don’t worry, we won’t be back.

Ha! Yeah, we will. 10:01 Monday morning? It’s a date. Just don’t serve mini-hot dogs. If you think it’s bad when he smells pizza, well…

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About Karen Johnson