By Topher Paul
Thursday marks a significant day in many people’s lives. It’s the NFL Draft. A day in which grown adults will lose their minds when the people who are paid millions of dollars to evaluate the talent of top-end athletes, and know that their professional careers depend on making the right choice, do not select the player the adult-sized babies wanted. Before I lose your attention, let me assure you this is NOT about football. Trust me, there are shirtless dudes below!
This year will be especially interesting because it will be conducted remotely, and there is sure to be a number of glitches. I love football, but my team sucks, and historically makes terrible decisions on draft day, so I will enjoy any sort of disaster that occurs.
I know that a lot of us enjoy football and will be interested in the draft, but not all. And there isn’t really a similar outlet for something the rest universally enjoy. So I figured I’d make one.
Bonus: where the NFL draft only has 7 rounds, you have 8!
Choose ONLY 1 from each category, and put together your perfect team of people (and things) you’d want to spend the upcoming season with.
Round 1- Alpha Female– This lady is going to be top dog no matter what. You want them on your team because they’re strong willed, but make no mistake, they will cast a gigantic shadow. Signature move: stand toe-to-toe with powerful men and not give one single fuck.
Round 2-The Veteran – This fella may steal the show with his personality, good looks, or even just his accent. He won’t overshadow your Alpha Female, but he can carry the team on his back if need be. Signature move: show off that dad bod for the paparazzi.
Round 3- Leading Boy– He has potential, but lacks the veteran experience to know exactly what to do. He’s more about sizzle than steak, but he sure is easy on the eyes. Signature move: take his shirt off to remind everyone how many abdominal muscles human beings actually have.
Michael B. Jordan
Round 4- Bad Bitch Best Friend- This is who you will want to spend the most time with. She has the ability to take charge, but doesn’t mind just chillin’. She’s funny and cute, and a helluva good time. Signature move: reminding everyone that a lady can still say “fuck.”
Round 5- Fictional Character in a TV Show– Haven’t you wanted to spend time with your favorite fictional characters? Now’s your chance! What they lack in being real, they more than make up for with their classic quotes. Signature move: delivering zingers at just the right moment, almost as if it were scripted.
Round 6- Beverage of Choice– Sorry, but you can choose only one. The choices range from Basic to full-blown alcoholic, so…no judgment. Signature move: gettin’ yo ass drunk (or hopped up on the ‘fine).
Wine- Red or White
Pumpkin Spiced Latte
Round 7- Living Arrangements– That’s right, you get to pick where you spend this upcoming season. There’s something for everybody! Do you like people? You can live in the city. What city? ANY CITY! Do you like eating cheese and being isolated? Choose the Chalet. There is no wrong answer! Signature move: Being only available in your dreams and Airbnb.
Loft in the city
Country estate dans Sud de France
Mansion in the Hollywood Hills
Beach house in Hawaii
Chalet in the Swiss Alps
Round 8- (Bonus Round) A Chris– This is your last pick of the draft, and possibly your most important. Each choice can fit into any position. They can steal the show or just hang out, your choice. Signature move: making anything they touch better.
How did you fare? Just remember, you can’t make everyone happy, and ultimately you have to make the best selections for your organization. I’ve included my choices below to compare:
Round 1: Michelle Obama
Round 2: Idris Elba
Round 3: Channing Tatum
Round 4: Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Round 5: Michael Scott
Round 6: White Claw
Round 7: Beach house in Hawaii
Round 8: Kristen Wiig