Humor Parenting

Keeping A Clean Toilet in a House Full of Kids


By Joy Hedding of Evil Joy Speaks

Dear Child,

You are precious to me. I love you with all of my heart. With that in mind, I need to share something with you. This is important information you will utilize for your entire life. It may make or break your friendships, relationships, and possibly affect your future as an employable adult.

I’m going to share one of my secrets with you. I don’t share this secret with many — or any if I’m honest — but the time has come for you to be included in my “Circle of Trust.”

So pay close attention to what I’m about to tell you. This information has been closely guarded for decades.

Steps To Keep Your Toilet Clean

1. Gentlemen (of all ages): Please take the time to lift both the seat and the lid. Your aim isn’t as precise as you perceive, and if you fail to adhere to this step, there will be urine droplets on the seat where the next person, potentially you, will be forced to sit.

Ladies (of all ages): Please make sure the seat is down and the lid open. You would think this is common sense; however, I’ve found the opposite to be true when individuals are distracted, in dire need of a toilet, or are under the age of six.

2. Pee into the toilet bowl. Not on it. Not near it. Not on the floor next to it, and sure as hell not on the wall nearby. This step is imperative. While you occupy space in my house, it is critical to life.

3. When you fail to meet the requirements of Step 2, you must complete Step 3. Please read this step in its entirety and follow the directions exactly. Use a wipe, spray and paper towel and a soapy wash cloth or other appropriate item to clean up the “miss” and the area around the “miss.” When complete, dispose of the used cloth accordingly: either place it in the wash or garbage. Repeat until the entire area is clean. When complete, wash your hands with soap and water, dry your hands on a clean towel, and hang that towel on the hook. (Throwing the towel on the floor will only lead to additional laundry, as the towel will surely be in range of the next “miss.”) Failure to complete this step entirely will result in consequences of epic proportions.

If you adhere to these three, easy steps, your life will be limitless. You’ll find the gold at the end of the rainbow…instead of another crusty pile of dried pee.


This post originally appeared on Evil Joy Speaks.


About Joy Hedding

Joy is wife to one Dr. Evil and mother to four children she lovingly refers to as spawn. She can typically be found carting those spawn from one activity to the next all the while plotting the next family snowboarding adventure. Joy is a contributor to “Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor” and “Only Trollps Shave Above the Knee.” Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.