Hi. My name is Richard Black and, just in case you missed the title, I’m running for President.

When I was a boy, America was a pretty good place. It wasn’t great. We had our problems. Manufacturing was outsourced to third world countries, crystal methamphetamine was ravaging the nation and Wal-Mart was destroying the small town way of life, but we were pretty good in other ways. It’s those less specific ways I’d like to bring back to make our nation pretty good again.

Being an intelligent and good looking voter, you may have noticed that I’m not running on the Democratic ticket. I have many friends in the Democratic Party. None of them comes to mind right now, but I have them and I cherish them. They are good people. Unfortunately, I don’t hold with some of my friends’ core ideals. We need smaller government and less intervention to allow people to live their lives as they see fit. We need to let the greatness of the free market work and benefit us all.

This is not to say that I side with the Republicans. Don’t get me wrong; they’re also a lovely bunch of people. Our nation needs comic relief, and the Republicans have come through in spades this election season. I, however, am a serious person, a serious candidate, and if we’re to heal this nation, we need serious people. We need a government large enough to provide education and medical care for its citizens to make our nation pretty good again.

The sad fact is that our two-party system is broken. It’s time to revive a tired old idea and repackage it in a new way to young people who have never heard of Ross Perot and older people who have forgotten his name. It is time, my friends, for a third party. A party of the people, by the people and for the people. It is time, my friends, for “The People’s Party.”

My platform is simple and consists of three planks.

I propose that we remove all warning labels from consumer products and prohibit lawsuits of a frivolous nature. If you don’t have the intelligence or wherewithal to understand that hemorrhoid cream isn’t meant to be taken orally, then you’re probably not suited for the rigors of everyday life in this day and age. The same is true for people who don’t realize that coffee and curling irons are meant to be hot or that the whirring blades of a table saw are sharp.

This proposal would not only provide people with a valuable and lifelong lesson in common sense, but our health care sector would also benefit. The influx of new patients will boost an ailing portion of our economy by creating a demand for surgeons and nurses, not to mention therapists and heightened insurance premiums for all.

It is in the same spirit I propose that we suspend all laws requiring anyone over the age of 18 to wear helmets on motorcycles or seat belts in cars. People without the sense to take simple precautions regarding their own health are more than likely a detriment to society. Better to let nature take its course and remove them from the equation altogether before they can clog up hospitals with expensive treatments and add to the strain on our already overtaxed health care sector. Vaya con Dios.

Let’s talk about guns for a moment. People with guns kill people. People without guns also kill people. Some of us need more guns and some of us need fewer guns, and I plan on fighting until we all have exactly the right number of guns.

Which brings me to my final point. I will fight absolutely anyone. I will fight for both the common and the uncommon man. No matter how strange or wealthy you may be, I believe that we all deserve a voice in government. We also need a body to accompany that voice. I would like to be that body.

I’m Richard Black, and I’d like your vote for President this November. If you can’t vote, then please consider giving me a donation of any size. The larger, the better. Checks are always welcome, but cash, specifically small denominations of non-sequential bills, are greatly appreciated.

This message has been brought to you by the PR firm Bigum, Twatwaffle & Cumstein. Please vote responsibly.

-This post was originally published on The Unfit Father.