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“I Have Kids” and Other Reasons I Won’t Call You Back

"I Have Kids" and Other Reasons I Won't Call You Back

By Joanna McClanahan of Ramblin’ Mama

At any given time, I have several unchecked voicemails on my phone. Yes, the majority of them are just my mom. But there are plenty from other well-meaning friends and family who are still holding out hope that someday I’ll return their phone calls.

But the sad truth is that I may never check my voicemail, let alone return your call. Because I don’t use my phone for that anymore, and here’s why:

1. I hate talking on the phone. I hate it so much. If I had a superpower, it would be making things awkward. A phone call is the perfect opportunity for me to have serious anxiety about inevitably talking at the same time as you or mishearing you completely.

2. I have kids. I don’t want you to have to hear them screaming. I don’t even want to hear them screaming. And I definitely don’t want to try to hear you over them screaming. And trust me, they have a sixth sense for when I’m on the phone and the screaming gets even worse.

3. Our schedules are completely different. I am up at ungodly hours of the morning and am half-dead by the time the evening rolls around. If I could choose to be sleeping at 5 a.m., I would. And assuming you’re not a psychopath, I’m guessing you don’t want a call before dawn — which seems to be the only time I have to get shit done.

4. I probably don’t even know where my phone is. Between the sleep deprivation and the million other things I’m trying to remember, it’s probably MIA.

5. Or my kids have it. And they’ve commandeered it to watch surprise egg videos. And I have zero shame in the fact that I let them have some screen time so that I can actually get stuff done.

6. Or the battery’s dead. (See above)

7. The fresh hell that is FaceTime. Or Skype, or any other video chat that thinks I want you to see the makeup-free, shower-needing disheveledness that is me. No thanks, technology. They could at least have the courtesy to throw in some flattering filters or a butterfly halo.

8. I don’t have time to talk. I barely have the couple minutes to read and send a text, let alone the time to carry on a conversation. I haven’t even had a real conversation with my husband in like four years.

9. I don’t have a free hand to hold the phone with. I’m too busy multitasking, dealing with kids climbing on me, or driving them around. And I would use a hands-free phone if it weren’t for not wanting to look like a total douche (along with all the other reasons I already mentioned).

10. If it’s important, you can just text me. Or message, or email, or send a carrier pigeon, or make fucking smoke signals if you must. Just don’t call me. Literally any other option is more convenient for me.

And if you’re going to call, there’s nothing I can do to stop you. But just know that I won’t be able to call you back. At least not for the next decade or so.


About the Author

Joanna McClanahan is an Editor at MockMom. She’s also a Contributor at Sammiches & Psych Meds and has been published on Scary Mommy. You can find more from her on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram.