The other day at the library, I was complaining to another mom about how tired I was.
“It’s crazy! Even if I get a full night’s sleep, I’m still exhausted!” I told her.
“Maybe try smoothies in the morning? I drink those every day for breakfast, and I don’t even like coffee anymore! It might give you more energy.”
After getting over my first reaction to punch her in the face (I had no energy), I realized that I am the poster person for “Mom Stereotypes.” If you look up this topic on Google, you will most likely see my face under “Examples.”
After becoming a SAHM, I embraced the mom stereotypes like my toddler has embraced pooping on the floor. I’m thinking about starting an informational tour for moms-to-be who have these wonderfully false ideas about how they’ll be as moms, when in reality, they’ll just end up being another “typical mom” (TM) like me. Right now, these moms have their shit together. They are able to leave the house without stains on their clothing and without looking disheveled. They are able to pee alone.
I would start every conference like this:
“Hi, newbies! Thanks for attending! How many of you are wearing yoga pants right now? Ok, great! Those in a nice pair of jeans, dress pants, or a dress, please leave….
“So, right now, you are probably Googling on a daily basis how to be a mom rock star, how to keep your mom cape in one piece, and how to get through raising your child without screwing him/her up. (You will). I get it. I was once you. I once read all the books. What to Expect When You’re Expecting was my bible. Know where it went a few months into motherhood? Underneath the leg of a workbench to keep it balanced.
“To stay sane, you have to accept the fact that you’ll have days where you’re just an okay mom, and that’s not to be ashamed of! Now, let’s get started.
“You’ve probably heard most of the mom stereotypes and have thought, ‘Not me! Ever!’ Haha. I’ll let you continue thinking that right now, but pretty soon, you’re going to be a member of my club: The ‘Most Mamas are a Hot mess’ club. Take notes if you’d like. Here are some characteristics that might make you a TM like me.”
*Starts PowerPoint.*
1. YOGA PANTS. Own more than one pair. Find one you like and buy it in every color. You can wear them to the library, the grocery store, dropping your kid off at preschool…basically in every situation besides working out. Who has time for that!? On that rare occasion you get to go out and dress up, leave the yoga pants at home. That’s just frowned upon.
2. SCATTERED BRAIN. For this one, you’ll need to make sure you have a planner, a Google calendar, a white board calendar, and post-its. You’ll need to write things down in more than one place. You’ll need to actually write on a to-do list “write a to-do list.” It will take you 20 plus trips back and forth from the car to the house when you’re trying to leave. You’ll forget your keys, your coffee mug, your kid. You’ll heat up coffee in the microwave, then pour it over pancakes, thinking it’s the syrup. Your kids will just have one long name, “MauraKeelinFinn” because you’ll never get it right the first time. Receptionists will call from doctors’ offices wondering if you’re still making the appointment. You’ll panic and look in your planner, shocked that you didn’t write it down. You did, and highlighted it. “Mom Brain” is a real thing, and you, too, will get it.
3. COFFEE. If you don’t drink it now, start. You know how on social media, there’s a lot of memes about moms and coffee and comments such as, “I just need to hook a coffee IV into my veins”? They’re true. Moms and coffee go together like the postpartum body and the mom pooch. I can’t even gather up the motivation to do a damn thing in the morning, other than turn on the TV for my oldest, until I’ve had a cup–or two–or three.
4. WINE. Just like coffee, moms and wine go together. I can’t even gather up the motivation to do a damn thing at night after bedtime until I’ve had a glass. Then it’s time to get stuff done, like laundry, that you never have time for during the day! HAHAHA! Just kidding! You’ll never get anything done. Laundry will pile up like Mount Everest, and you’ll begin wishing you could just donate it all to avoid washing it. But I digress. Back to wine. Yes, you’ll need it. Don’t like wine? Don’t drink? Then pour yourself a tall glass of juice and dump a few ounces of something hard in there–vodka and tequila work well. You’ll need it.
5. NO TIME TO SHOWER. You’re probably sitting here right now, guaranteeing yourself that you won’t fall under this stereotype. “Not me!” you’re thinking. “That’s gross!” Pretty soon, however, it’s going to be four days since you’ve showered, although your hair will appear like you just did. You’ll be able to start a competition with your husband about who has the hairiest legs. I once, in fact, thought I’d never be this stereotype, and managed to take a shower during naps while my one child was asleep. Two kids later, I have one who’s given naps up, and it’s a lost cause. Write this down: Dry shampoo is your best friend.
6. TARGET. I definitely shopped at Target before kids, but there’s something about going into that store now, especially alone, that makes me walk in for a box of diapers and end up leaving with four outfits, sized 3t and 18m, a new pair of yoga pants, candles, dog treats, dry shampoo, mac n’ cheese, and a new welcome mat for the front porch. I’m starting to believe the CEO designed a way to put something in the air that’s like a drug to moms, making them shopping addicts–coffee addicts, too (whoever can walk out of Target without stopping at Starbucks on the way out has the willpower of f-ing steel!)
So, that’s it with my list. Are there more stereotypes that might be added to your own? You bet your dark under-eye circles there will be!
Anyway, embrace being a TM and wear your “World’s OKAYEST Mom” shirt proudly!