By Shannon Day of Martinis and Motherhood

Hey there, husbands! Welcome. I assume you’re on the hunt for some shrew-taming pointers and that, my friend, is exactly what I’m going to share with you. For more on the topic, see: Taming of the Shrew (Or is the Problem You?)

Now, to begin with, you must truly believe that you have the power to turn your shrew into the supportive, happy woman that you long to be with. Just to confirm, I am not referring to an actual rodent-shrew but the human version, defined by Merriam-Webster as “an ill-tempered, scolding woman.”

Ok, so let’s get to work!

This formula, Happy Wife= Happy Life, is the foundation from which you will build. Refer to it when times get tough, for there may be some rocky patches along your taming journey.

Now, let’s first determine if you have asshole tendencies, which is an essential step in the shrew-taming process.

Asshole Assessment Quiz

Can you list 4 ways that you help maintain your wife’s sanity and happiness? You shouldn’t have to think too hard here. And if you don’t know what to do, just ask her!

Do you and your wife spend quality time together, just the two of you? Trips to Home Depot don’t count. Got it?

Do you compliment your wife regularly? Or do you just point out the negative shit? I mean, come on!

Do you and she partake in a similar amount of freedoms/extra-curricular activities? Or is your list more exciting than hers? Be honest…

Do you pull your weight around the house? Because chore overload can lead to extreme shrew-hood.

Do you satisfy her in bed?  It’s a simple question, and we all know there is a direct link between sex and mood.

Are you a hands-on dad? There really isn’t anything hotter and more likely to result in a happy wife than that. So get on it! It’s a win-win.

Are you faithful? Because if you’re not (whether she knows about your infidelity or she doesn’t), you’re damaging your marriage, which is now based on lies. And if she does know, well… it’d be prit’near impossible not to be in a state of perma-shrew. Seriously.

When you drink alcohol, do you refrain from douche-like behavior and ensure that you’re not a danger to yourself or others, including material objects? Falling down stairs, picking fights, becoming letchy, losing the ability to walk and speak or causing accidental damage to household items would all lead to a resounding “NO” on this question.

When your wife wants to go out with her friends or to a work-related event, do you support her by keeping things together on the home front while she’s gone? Or do you wait for her to do everything when she gets back? Or make her feel guilty by texting her the entire time she’s gone? Or perhaps she doesn’t bother going out because she can’t count on you. Hence the façade a la shrew.

Taming your Assholism

Ok, so now that you’ve contemplated the above questions, it’s time to be honest about any role that you might be playing in your wife’s uptight ways. Dig deep here, man. It’s not too late to rewind a bit and make some changes. So, go on, transform the above “nos” into “yeses” and See. What. Happens. This, my friend, is how you tame your shrew.  You do it via you. But don’t stress about it. You don’t have to be perfect.

Good Husbands Can be Douche Canoes Too

Now, you don’t have to worry about doing all of the above all of the time. If you’ve got most of them where they need to be, a slip-up can occur without grave consequence. (Unless it’s the unfaithful one, obviously).

If you’ve been rockin’ the above list and you then happen to, say, piss on the bedroom floor one night after too many drinks, well, your wife may be able to overlook it. Yes, your action is that of a douche canoe, BUT if your recent acts were not (ie. you let your wife sleep in and then made her pancakes when she awoke), then it’s all good. You can slip up, no problem. It’s all about balance, really. 

A Happier Life Can be Yours

You have the power to alter the fate of your own happiness through the happiness of your wife. Implement any changes that you need to make ASAP. Be sure to make reference to the Asshole Assessment Quiz as needed to ensure that you’re on track.

Now, if the changes don’t seem to do the trick, then …

Try buying chocolate. Wives like chocolate.

And tell her that you’ve been trying. Wives like effort.

They also like hugs, and if that doesn’t work, well, sorry to say it, but it looks like your wife really may be a shrew. So, good luck with that.

Disclaimer:  I have no formal training in the area of counseling or psychology.  I did, however, guide some lovers toward a happier union when I worked as a bartender back in the day.

This post was originally published on Shannon Day’s Martinis and Motherhood.

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About the Author

Former bartender-turned-teacher Shannon Day can be found cocktail-shaking and story-making over at her site, Martinis & Motherhood. There, she ponders the meaning of life, while poking fun at her handsome British hubby. Shannon is co-author and co-editor of Martinis & Motherhood: Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF?! She is a regular contributor to BLUNTmoms, and her writing can be found in various online publications including Mamapedia, The Huffington Post, Mamalode, Scary Mommy, and Sweatpants & Coffee. Connect with Shannon on Facebook.