Every fall, my social media feeds turn into a whimsical, leafy wonderland where Pumpkin Spice is Queen alongside King Flannel, who reigns over boot socks and large-yarned cable-knit blankets. If you don’t make a pie from scratch every day with a crust of dough cut into the shapes of various leaves, you’re a piece of shit.
Every year I feel the need to browse Pinterest in search of ways to fall-ify my home lest I want the Greek god Pan to shit in my mouth over my fall-less decor.
A running theme I come across each time I peruse the Pinterest is a deep sense of shame and feeling like a damned amateur who has none of my shits together as a mother, wife, and adult. So, if you’d like to appear like one of these home décor goddesses, I’ve taken it upon myself to let you in on how to decorate for fall like an adultier adult.
Firstly, I don’t know if firstly is even a word, but let’s run with it. Secondly, the firstliest must of fall décor is to put pumpkins every-fucking-where. Got a bowl? Gourd-it. Basket? Gourd-it. A table? Plop a bunch of gourds on it. Baby? Stick them inside of a gourd and string their flailing limbs through holes you carved out. Prior to putting your baby inside, I might add. A bed? Tuck gourds in it. Pants pockets? Fill them with gourds.
Flannel, plaid, tartan, and oppan gingham style. Lines? Intersecting with other lines? Making squares? My mind is goddamned blown, fam! Never has being a Lumberjack, Jonathan Scott, or a Scotsman been more en vogue than now. Plaid needs to be worn and draped over and covering everything you own. Plaid shirt, plaid throw pillow, plaid comforter, plaid kitchen towel, plaid blanket, plaid toilet seat cover, plaid carpet, plaid water. Paint your kid plaid or be smited!
Faux fur. Nothing says Fall quite like the artificial pelt of an animal. Faux fur makes for a most splendid home accent. Drape a fur throw blanket on your bed. They make great sexy time photo props for naked boudoir shoots. Put a faux fur throw pillow in your nursery to remind them that Mommy loves them so much she’s willing to spill the blood of a cute little sheep. Line your toilet brush holder in fur. Cover the walls of your guest bedroom in faux fur wallpaper to shorten the stay of house guests you don’t want anyway. Rim the glasses of your pumpkin birthing a gingerturkey cocktails in, you guessed it – sugar!
Fall-scented candles are just the bees knees, I say. They make the air in your home smell less like stale kid’s piss and add warm, glowy ambiance when you turn the lights down low so no one notices the dead bodies – I mean toys – you’ve stuffed in the walls. Pumpkin pie, Pumpkin Spice, Gingerbread, Cinnamon, Green Bean Casserole, Powdered Toast Man farts, Ham, Turkey Testicles. The options are endless.
Twigs, logs, and branches. Can’t find any in your area? They sell canned twigs at craft stores now for the price of your firstborn. What a time to be alive! Bundle some up, dress it in a onesie and snuggle it in bed. Oooorrrrghhhh, so cozy! Do you have a gas fireplace? Doesn’t matter. Pile a bunch of unusable logs next to it or in a wire basket because you can. Life is meaningless. Huzzah!
String lights. Every vase (pronounced vah-z, not vay-ce, because we’re very very fauncy) in your home should be filled with A) Something dead and flammable, like sticks, leaves, potpourri, artificial flowers, my soul, and B) A fire hazard like string lights. Wrap your children and pets in them and turn off the lights. Hide. Snicker as they scream that they can’t find you. What pure and wholesome fall fun!
Farm-style signs. Gather. Fall. Sweater weather. Home. Friends. Family. Eat. Seasonal Depression. I’ve Gained Five Pounds. My Vagina Caught Frostbite. I Look Like Shit in a Beanie. Boot Sockin’ it up, Motherfuckers. Honestly, any word or phrase in a fancy font works when framed in weathered barn wood.
Succuli. Yes, I know the plural for succulents is just succulents. Fight me. Combine succulents with any of these other fall home décor elements because why not, really? Plant some succulents in a hollowed-out pumpkin, put them in a pot of faux fur. Stick one atop a glittery branch and go around swatting people while declaring yourself High Priestess of Basic Bitchdom. You do you!
Wreaths. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Sorry, just orgasmed at the mere mention of wreaths. Something magical occurs when you stick a bunch of shit in loop formation. Something MAGICAL. Put whatever you please on this fancy halo of money you no longer have – glittered leaves, figurines of frolicking fawns, tiny pumpkins, nipple tassels, acorns, bird seeds, crow feathers from actual crows you’ve attracted with the bird seed. The snoods of a dozen turkeys.
Taxidermy. Do you love death? The festive answer is YES! Antlers, decapitated heads, horns, if it was torn from an animal’s head literally or whimsically feigned, it is so in, girlfriend. Fucking fierce.
I hope this post has been most helpful. Life is too short, decorate however you’d like, I’m not hating and have done most of these things myself. Go forth and fall your absolute nuts off. Happy Holidays, everyone!
This post was originally published on Mommy Cusses.