Humor Parenting

How Feeding a Toddler is Like Going into Battle

Feeding a toddler is super fun. If you like hostage negotiations, that is.

For some reason, meal time in our house is always a battle. Regardless of what is being served.

I could bring out a fucking lobster and get the same damn reaction.  Most likely because my son has never eaten lobster before, but I digress.

In the past several months, I’ve noticed a pattern has emerged.  We go through the same shit from start to finish. Every.Damn.Time.  If any of you have some insight into what we are doing wrong, I would love to hear it.


Even before I present food to Ethan, he’s already decided he doesn’t like it, won’t try it, wants nothing to do with it. He starts flailing his arms and smooshing his face into the highchair as though if he pressed hard enough, it would swallow him up thus preventing the meal from occurring.

I then have to pretend to eat the food and determine it’s the best damn thing I’ve ever eaten before in my life. If I’m lucky, after repeating, “Mmmmmm this is soooo goooooood!” over and over, he might turn his head to peek at me before stuffing his screaming face back into the cushion.

Threaten sanctions

If he won’t stop producing enriched uranium acting like a crazed wildebeest hopped up on crack, I’m gonna make my husband keep feeding him.

Not that it would result in a change in behavior.  I just figure it’s a better alternative than screaming back in his face.

Mount an attack

Assuming that I can position the spoon where I think he will swing his head, and he hasn’t already knocked it out of my hands (or the food off the spoon), I can usually manage to get the tiniest of morsels on his lip.

Once he recognizes something foreign has landed in his mouth, he usually stops thrashing and tastes it to see if it’s poison.

He ALWAYS makes a face like I just slathered dog shit on his tongue. Followed by a look that says, “Hey, this ain’t half bad.”

You would think having only fed him so many things at this point that he would recognize what I was trying to feed him before acting like a jackass.


After we’ve established the food hasn’t been debased, he happily eats it.

But don’t confuse him by putting something new on his highchair.

Make sure his pacifier is well hidden.

Put the dog in a bedroom to remove the temptation of dropping the food on the floor for him.

And without warning, he will once again decide eating is a horrible idea and “get me outta this damn thing!”

So either his daycare provider is completely lying to us about how mealtime occurs at her place or he is reserving his tantrums for Mommy and Daddy.

Either way, it’s really starting to get on my fucking nerves.