By Sam Palmer of Modern Day Hippie Mama
Prerequisites for having sex before you’ve had children:
1. Not applicable
Prerequisites for having sex after you’ve had children:
1. Children are asleep
2. Both parties have showered
3. Both parties have enough energy
4. The house is clean
5. Backpacks are packed for the next day
6. The bedroom door is closed and locked
7. No noise is made during the romp session
Everything changes after you’ve had kids. Your sex life is no exception. What once worked for you to turn a woman on may still do the trick, but you probably need to make a few modifications:
Be dirty. Be gross. Be downright nasty.
She wants to hear every single detail of the filth you uncovered while you cleaned the bathroom so she didn’t have to. Tell her how you were on your knees scrubbing every corner. Let her know that you rubbed the shaft of that shower head until it was glowing. She wants to hear about how you squirted the cleaner in the sink. Don’t leave her with any clean thoughts—only a clean bathroom.
Find her “G” Spot.
Figure out a Go Away spot for her to escape for a while. Encourage her to head to a yoga class, go for a massage at the spa, or have coffee with friends. Tell her to find something to do that’s just for her. She will be ohhh-ohhh-ohhhhhhhhhh so grateful you did.
Kiss her in all the right places.
Kiss her ears? That’s ok… Kiss the back of the neck? That’s nice…
Kiss her ass? You got it! Tell her how pretty she looks in her pajamas. Compliment her snack making abilities (fishy crackers on a plate is more work than some care to acknowledge). Express what a wonderful job she’s doing as a mother. Let her know of all the wonderful things she’s doing.
Make sure you’re sincere. Any faking will be reciprocated later.
Make her a romantic dinner.
Or just order pizza. Basically, anything that doesn’t involve HER cooking will excite her. Feel free to set up candles and use the nice china (nice china = a plate that isn’t chipped), but don’t fuss too much about the food you’ll be eating at dinner. Think more about what you’re going to eat after dinner; you know, for dessert.
Buy her flowers.
They may not be on the massively long list of food that needs to bought for the house, but you can find flowers at the grocery store when you go pick up groceries so she doesn’t have to battle the lines. Make sure that you buy all that’s on the list, but feel free to include a few extras, such as chocolate, oysters, and strawberries.
Get her wet.
You know it.
I know it.
She hasn’t bathed in a while.
Take the kids. Draw her a bath. Put away the pink rubber ducky (but leave the pink Rabbit).
Make sure to put the bath mat out for her before she gets in. You know how slippery things can get when they’re wet. You don’t want her falling!
Choose something comfortable for her to wear.
Find something lacy, black, tight, and revealing.
Now, burn it.
Grab your brain and get the woman some yoga pants and her favorite hoody. If you’re lucky, she’ll throw on that old nursing bra she has in the closet—you won’t have to undo the back, but you’ll still have easy access.
There you have it. It really IS that easy to turn a woman on after she’s had kids. All those extra things you once knew to get her “in the mood” pre-kids (glass of wine, massage, serenading) will still get her into bed…but she’ll be fast asleep before you can say “Honey, I showered.”
This post was originally published on Modern Day Hippie Mama.
About the Author
Sam Palmer has a passion for organic wine, profanities, and being a Mom. She has 4 beautiful daughters, a dog, and that guy she lives with. They live on the West Coast of British Columbia amongst other Birkenstock wearing, home brew guzzling folk. Check out her blog at Modern Day Hippie Mama and follow her on Facebook and Instagram.