We lie to our kids. (Even you, person who says she doesn’t. Don’t lie. See? You’re a liar by nature. EMBRACE IT.)
Sometimes we lie because the truth is just too complicated or extreme for little ones to wrap their minds around. But other times — well, other times we lie because we just don’t wanna. Whether it’s because we don’t feel like doing a particular thing they want us to or because we simply don’t have it in us to explain the birds and the bees to our children in front of the whole extended family at Sunday dinner, we lie, people. And many times those lies are hysterical, cute, far-fetched, or just plain wrong — maybe even all four.
I asked my Facebook readers to dish the dirt on the most hilarious lies they’ve told their kids, and while I couldn’t include every awesome response, check out these 38 lies parents confess to telling their kids. And rest assured. You are not alone.
“I used to tell my son that when people were singing Happy Birthday and clapping at a restaurant that it was kids getting spanked for not eating their veggies.” –Melanie
“I tripped and fell against the door, and that’s how I got the bruise on my neck. It was a hickey.” –Kim
“Your dad was giving me a…massage.” –Jamey
“The candy by the cash registers at the stores is actually dog treats made to look like candy.” –Samantha
Leo: “The baby- how’d you, like, get it in there?”
Me: “Uhhhhhh….magic?”
Leo: “That’s so cool. How did you learn magic?”
Me: “It’s your Dad. He has a magic wand but only his wife can see it.”
Leo: “And you’re his wife?”
Me: “That’s right.”
Leo: “Gotcha.” —Love Morning Wood
“My son got out of the bath after about 42 seconds, trying to convince me that he had, in fact, washed his body and hair. I told him that he would get worms and they would crawl out of his butt if he hadn’t really washed with soap. I’ve never had to question his washing abilities since.” –Jessica
“Tired of sibling fighting last summer, I called to my 14 and 7 year old telling them to get in the car. After a few minutes of driving in silence, my 14 year old asked where we were going. I replied, ‘I think it’s finally time you guys meet your real parents.'” –Charity
“If you kick the person’s seat in front of you, the airplane might lose control and crash.” —The Jillist
“If you don’t change your underwear you’re going to get an infection in your penis and will have to have a shot of medicine. Injected in your penis.” –Samantha
“I told my son that I have magic sleep socks he can wear to bed. They only work if he puts his head on the pillow and covers up with a blanket. The sleep socks are always colorful and fuzzy.” –Lindsey
“My grandparents told my dad when he was 5 (1953) that the Russians shot down Santa and therefore no more presents. It’s an awful story actually.” –Joy
“No, we can’t watch Elmo right now, the TV needs batteries.” –Tiffany
“My son is a very picky eater. He loves steak but not pork chops, so I tell him they are white steak and he eats it up, and when I make fried fish I tell him it’s chicken nuggets. Works like a charm. He’s 7.” –Tarna
“Many years ago, when Diva was 6, she barged in on us having…grown up time. When asked later what we were doing, Wolf told her, ‘We were trying to make you a baby brother or sister. But it’s MAGIC, and if anyone sees, it doesn’t work.’ She’ll be the only woman to believe that leaving the lights on works as birth control.” —Not a Stepford Life
“My daughter wouldn’t get rid of the bottle. After trying everything, my mother told her that she needed to give Santa Claus her bottles for the baby reindeer and he would give her presents in return. So after Christmas passed she said she wanted her bottle back. I told her if she gets back her bottle she has to give Santa back all her presents. She decided to let Santa keep her bottles.” –Danielle
“I have to give my sister credit for the fib she told my son. We were on a walk and saw a condom in the gravel. Of course my son wanted to know what we had seen. Her lightning fast response was, ‘It’s medical gum.’ We shuffled him away and used the rest of the walk to distract him, but he spent the next several days trying to get someone to tell him what medical gum actually is and how it is used.” –Cola
“My 7 year old neice asked how a woman could have a baby for someone else (surrogate): ‘How does that even happen?’ My response: ‘How would I know? I’m not a doctor.'” –Jill
“At our local park/gardens there are hundreds of cypress stumps at the water’s edge. I told mine they were little kids who got too close to the water. Worked on all four!” –Erica
“That the porcupines at the fair were wrestling.” –Ashleigh
“If you walk around naked ‘the birdies will peck your pidge off.’ And my youngest still believes that ear wax is fly poo cuz they poo in your ears whilst you sleep. He wouldn’t let me clean ’em till I told this lil white lie.” –Kel
“My husband told our daughter (2) that if she didn’t hold her nose while outside it would fall off because the cold weather of winter would eat it off. Needless to say, the poor thing always ran outside with one hand holding her nose. Thank goodness the weather is warm enough for her to not have to worry about that now.” –Lyndsey
“I was telling my 11 yr old about this and she said her favorite lie we told was about the grocery store. I used to tell them the signs at the store said they had to sit in the cart if they were under five. When they asked why other kids weren’t in the shopping carts I’d tell them they were rule breakers. This all fell apart when they learned to read.” –Liane
“Before we got our female cat spayed she kept going into heat. I explained to my son that she was crying because she wanted to have babies in her tummy. He asked me how she would get babies in her tummy. I told him that babies would be in her tummy if we got special food from the vet.” –Samantha
“We were at a bonfire by the lake and my son was incessantly complaining about the mosquitoes…my husband told him they were attracted to the sound of his voice. It worked for a few minutes.” –Sandy
“From a friend of mine – the ice cream truck only plays music when they are out of ice cream.” –Mary
“Once the Tooth Fairy forgot to visit and I had to break the news to my sons that she can’t come on Wednesdays because that’s the day she moonlights as a spy for the government. A girl’s gotta earn a living, and teeth don’t pay the mortgage.” –Miranda
“We told our daughter that the hotel pool where grandma was staying was closed because a little boy pooped in it. We actually didn’t feel like sitting and monitoring her play time in the pool.” –Rebecca
“If he didn’t clean his privates properly (uncircumcised), I would have to take him to the doctor and they would cut the tip of his penis off.” –Eleni
“My son (an ASD kid) insisted at the age of 4 on knowing how we knew all the ‘rules.’ We told them that everyone had a big book with all the rules that they had to learn. When he insisted on seeing the ‘big book,’ my husband pulled out his ‘Annotated Criminal Code of Canada,’ a hardcover book that is hefty and intimidating. Hubby’s a cop. Problem solved.” –Andrea
“Swallowing your gum closes-up your bottom.” –Elyse
“The tooth fairy covers a certain district (like police) and the fairy in Grandpa’s district has more funding since they are all retired and have less kids (and teeth). That’s why when you lose a tooth at Grandpa’s you get more money than at home. Cutbacks tend to be the reason for a missed tooth retrieval.” –Crystal
“My 2 YO son thinks that the airplanes that pass over our house are under my command. I decided I’d like to take credit for them, so I called and ordered him one the other day while we were playing outside.” –Amanda
“My older daughter won’t eat anything unfamiliar on a plate, so when she asks me what something is, I tell her it’s the food’s decoration. Kind of like sprinkles decorate a cake. Works everytime!” –Lori
“That holiday episodes of shows or movies go away with the holiday. So no, we can’t watch ‘Christmas monkey’ in April cuz it isn’t Christmas. Sorry kids.” –Courtney
“To my 5 yo son: ‘If you don’t sit still while eating that lollipop and you end up choking, the doctor has to cut your leg off.’ No idea where I pulled that from, but he sat still after that.” –Melissa
“I was a single mom at the time, and couldn’t afford to even let my 3 boys share 1 popsicle from the ice cream truck…. So I told them he was a mean man who lured kids and kidnapped them.” –Vicki
“When we had baby #3 I would ask one of my older girls to help me grab stuff sometimes, like when I needed more wipes or some thing. They were 5 & 6. Every time they asked why they had to help, I’d say, ‘Because you’re my favorite, but shhh, don’t tell your sister.’ This worked after #4 arrived too. Last year they discovered my lie. Preteen girls did not find me funny.” –Liane
“If you keep splashing, the tub will fall through the ceiling. Also, if you don’t put your pants on, your penis will fly away.” –Tina
“I told my 7 year old son that like parsnips, freckles get sweeter after a bit of frost. You can harvest them and cook with them. Early one evening when the first snowfall came, I ‘harvested’ his freckles (pretended to brush his freckles into a paper bag containing a few chocolate chips) while he was mostly asleep and put a batch of chocolate chip muffins in the oven. When they were done, I woke him up for some Freckle Muffins with the family. I thought it was a once-off thing but no, he asked for them every year at the first substantial snowfall until he was well into his adult years.” –Patricia
Spill it. What lies have you told your kids?