Each year on Memorial Day, my family travels to a state park where we rent a room at the inn or a cabin and then partake in things like cooking out, hiking, swimming, and generally enjoying nature. And in so doing, we expect to enjoy ourselves. I mean, we are spending quite a bit of money to stay and sleep there.

Well, last year, that simply was not in the cards for us. And though our wallets enjoyed a good pillaging, our bodies did not enjoy a comfortable stay. The cabin we rented was disgusting. Condemnable, even. So much so, that these are the places I would rather sleep:

floor of a frat house bathroom

pile of toenail clippings

hornet’s nest

used sanitary napkin

mountain of rodent corpses

hooker’s thong after a long night’s work

surrounded by burnt flesh

vat of spoiled milk

room full of pubic hairs

underside of an elementary school desk

diaper genie

compost pile

lion’s den

Mr. Sammich’s hockey bag

teenage boy’s dirty clothes hamper

hobo’s underpants

beneath a chicken coop

fire ant farm

Westboro Baptist Church meeting place

mortuary

jock strap

amid a collection of leg and armpit hair shavings

Big Foot’s makeshift toilet

mattress filled with crack needles

It was gross, you guys.  GROSS. Let’s hope this year’s stay is much more pleasant.