By Kristina Hammer of The Angrivated Mom
For many years the idea of being a “stoner” was taboo—frowned upon by our peers and condemned by society as “bad people.” Thankfully, times are changing and the truth is finally coming to light. There are better options for methods of consumption, allowing more control over the noted effects and potency of intake. If it is always five o’clock somewhere, it is also four-twenty somewhere as well. Time meridians just kind of work that way, you know?
So here’s how it pays to be the stoner:
1. Quality IN Quantity:
Let’s face it. Wine really only comes in two sizes: the standard 750mL size, containing about five or six glasses worth, which every maker from curb-hugging-hobo-cheap to worth-more-than-the-Hope-diamond uses. Then, there is the glass jug or bag-in-a-box gallon size, but it is reserved for the mediocre, few steps above jailhouse brew quality wines. Certainly nothing you would ever serve to anyone except your best girl friends and your grandmother, because the first are only drinking to get drunk and the latter has no taste buds left to distinguish the difference between salt and pepper, let alone key notes and undertones.
With marijuana, on the other hand, you are free to pick and choose both quality and quantity as you desire. There really is nothing of poor quality available, either—unless, that is, you are scoring your stash from Young Cheesy, the wannabe homeboy hanging on some corner in the slum side of town, slinging Mexican dirt rags in nickle bags. Then, yes, you are accessing the only poor quality pot around, bringing shame to the good name of Mary Jane everywhere these days. Your friendly neighborhood dispensary will only carry strains rated as great, fantastic, and holy-shitballs-that-stuff-is-ah-may-ziiiiing, and quantity comes as you please. Grams, eighths, quarters, ounces….as long as you’re within the legal limits for carrying, you can purchase as much or as little as you please.
2. Variety:
There are only so many different flavors and varieties of wine. Only so many combinations of fruit pairings and earthy, woodsy, flowery couplings you can have. Red, white, dry, bubbly, bitter, and sweet, the choices are simply like fifty shades of gray. Gray liquid. That’s the only way you can consume this buzz-worthy elixir. The main component creating the varying degrees of intoxication is alcohol—alcohol which can only be used effectively in liquid form.
Whereas with cannabis, there are several different active chemical compounds at work, creating the intoxicating effects, all of which can be manipulated into a multitude of different forms. The actual flower bud of the plant comes in hundreds, possibly even thousands, of strains, which span an array of combinations between the three main components: THC, CBD, and CBG.
Much like wine, there are flavor notes and distinct smells which are distinguishing factors in strain variety. Unlike wine, however, the plant material containing these components can be extracted and made into all different forms that do not necessarily need to be burned in the traditional method of consumption to reap the rewards. You can turn your flower strain of choice into oils, butters, and waxes, which can be used for cooking, baking, vaping, making medicinal pills, or even blending into creams or lotions. You can turn the flower into a juice to make cannabis-infused beverages, including energy drinks which far surpass the icky, jittery feeling of Red Bull wings. There is also a huge market of premade edibles ranging from the stereotypical brownies and cookies to fruit snacks, suckers, cereal, granola bars, muffins, and even candy, such as pixie sticks and chocolate bars.
3. Buzz-Worthy Options:
You have two choices with wine. A. Get buzzed or B. Get drunk. There is no in-between stage. And if you’re not careful, once you cross the line to option B, you can literally kill your own self. At the very least, you’ll vomit your ever-lasting guts out while the world spins around your head faster than a dreidel on PCP.
Alcohol can cause lowered inhibitions, absurd aberrations of behavior, and even mental blackouts as well. You could find yourself chattering incessantly about obscure thoughts randomly popping into your mind while reminding the person you are chatting up how much you love them every other thought or wanting everyone to pet you as you stumble around on all fours, claiming the floor is made out of Jello and crying because it isn’t lime flavored. You never know what kind of drunk you’re going to get if you keep drinking long enough. Getting drunk also comes with quite the gift…in the form of a lovely hangover the next day, come to commemorate your reign as Queen of the Table Top Limbo.
With Mary Jane, on the other hand, the high is as sweet as her name sounds. No hangovers, no matter what level of buzz you catch. You will never feel sick during, after, or subsequently following your experience…unless you are a real idiot who doesn’t follow recommended directions on the non-traditional methods of ingestion. Even then, you may feel a sort of hallucinatory, out-of-body, intense connection with the universe, which can seem smothering to someone unsuspecting, but you will not get so sick you upchuck and pass out. And you certainly won’t die, either.
Unlike the two stages of alcohol intoxication, there are about ten levels of high reachable from marijuana use, ranging from slightly fuzzy, to stoned, to the same intense buzz a newbie going overboard might get if they’re not in-tune with their body. (Or simply just stupid.) There are also different options for getting your buzz on, too. The varying effects of the strains can be categorized into three types of highs: Sativa, the heavy cerebral effect buzz; Indica, the heavy body effect buzz; and Hybrid, the everything falling on the middle line buzz. Choices, choices, and more choices. Depending on what strain, your method of ingestion, and the amount of intake, you can be anything from relaxed with the munchies, to half-baked couch potato, to giggling Buddha.
4. Better For Your Health:
The discrepancy over health benefits being linked to wine has been ongoing for decades. The consensus seems to be in favor of a glass a day of red wine to help promote good heart health by increasing blood flow, which lowers blood pressure and increases HDL, the good cholesterol, all of which aids in reducing the risk of heart disease. They also see a reduced risk for only several of the most common cancers: breast, liver, prostate, and oral. But that is it. What good are benefits that are only beneficial when limited to amounts of moderation?
Anything more than the recommended one to two glasses, and you are literally poisoning yourself. You can’t even catch the slightest buzz if you wanted to when following moderation recommendations, which, for all intents and purposes of this article, is exactly the point I am trying to make here. When you become intoxicated, you cause damage to the same organs protected when drinking simply to benefit your health. Particularly, your liver. And your brain chemistry, as well.
On the contrary, however, this omnipotent piece of nature that is the cannabis plant has the most miraculous of medicinal properties. True, if smoked in the traditional joint or bowl packed with flower, it can cause minimal residual effects, but that is why there are so many other options. For most people, though, the many benefits of smoking flower coupled with experiencing the high outweigh the risk of any accumulated lung damage over the course of time, just as experiencing the intoxicating effects of alcohol when drinking wine outweighs the loss of potential health benefits and the literal self-poisoning factors.
Marijuana has been proven, as of late, to not only prevent, but also fight against cancer cells in the human body. All cancer types, not just a handful of the most common types out of the hundreds in existence. Marijuana can prevent seizures from many disorders formerly labeled impossible to treat. It reduces anxiety and depression levels. It calms muscle spasms and overactive/over-stimulated nerve pathways, limiting pain for those with chronic issues. It supports your immune system. Supports a healthy appetite in those with eating disorders and digestive troubles. It has even shown effectiveness in autism therapy.
This plant is nature’s own cure-all, which also just happens to be an effective method for adult fun and relaxation. What’s even greater about the extraordinary potential of this wonder plant is that you can separate the health benefits from the inebriating effects, so those who do not want or need to get high can still use it for treatment. Plus, unlike alcohol, you don’t reduce or lose the health benefits from consuming more or less than the recommended amounts in moderation. You can toke once a day or all day long, and the effects are still the same. Take that, you whiny wine experts!
So there you have it, folks. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. Sticking to my beloved girl, Mary Jane Cannabis, that is. I’ll always prefer bud over wine for all the reasons above. Now, maybe next time I light up, you will care to set down the flimsy wine glass and join me.
Come over to the high side and chill awhile – I’ll even provide the munchies!
This post was originally published on The Angrivated Mom.
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About Kristina Hammer
Kristina is a married SAHM of 4 angrivating, but sweet children on her way to insanity and beyond. With big dreams and little luck in life, she is simply trying to survive until the last one graduates with her sanity in tact. You can find her ramblings over at The Angrivated Mom, on Facebook at The Daily Rantings Of An Angrivated Mom or on Twitter.