By Jocelyn Jane Cox of The Home Tome
If your household is anything like ours, you’ve already passed around about 14 strains of the common cold, “blown through” approximately 76,000 boxes of tissues, and are on the cusp of getting the flu. If not, kudos, but here are a few things I’ve found helpful. (Note: I am neither a doctor nor do I play one on TV. Though, if I did, I’d be sneezing my way through every diagnosis!)
Cancel all play dates, obviously: Kids struggle with the concept of sharing except when it comes to germs. In this area, they’re selfless and giving little creatures.
Take your child out of school for the next three months: Even if you have no real interest in and/or aptitude for homeschooling your child, now is the time to buy some flashcards and connect with your inner teacher. (A friend of a friend accurately nicknamed preschool the Germ Exchange Program.)
Wear a medical mask at all times — the one that goes over your nose and mouth: While this isn’t the most attractive face wear, you can cover it with a stylish scarf when you’re outdoors…and maybe when you’re inside too. Sweating because of clothing is preferable to late-night cold-sweats brought on by temperature of 102°, right? The point: Don’t ever take off that mask!
Cough into your elbow: Of course, this keeps your germs from everyone else, but what about when you see someone coughing freely, straight into the open air?! In this case, you have every right to perform a citizen’s arrest, whether it’s an adult or a child.
Overdose on Vitamin C: In addition to popping Vitamin C tablets as if they’re candy, make sure to eat tons of citrus and drink entire gallons of orange juice, every day. (This may help you fight off common illnesses, and it will definitely help you avoid scurvy.)
Invent an anti-bacterial force field: Let’s face it, all those obsessive squirts of hand sanitizer just aren’t doing the job; you’re going to have to enlist the expertise of the world’s top scientists to create something more effective. This might take years, but it will be worth it.
Cease all physical contact with other humans, especially kids: This includes high-fives, fist bumps, kisses, and hugs. If your child wants a bedtime story, the healthiest thing to do is just Facetime it in…from the other room.
Don’t leave the house: Becoming a recluse is really the only solution. All of your necessities will have to be delivered, but keep in mind that you’re going to have to provide your delivery person with the above-mentioned face masks and anti-bacterial force fields. You are also going to have to make sure they haven’t had any contact with a child in the last six months.
See? This isn’t so hard. May “the Health” be with you.
This post originally appeared on Nyack News & Views.
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About Jocelyn Jane Cox
Jocelyn Jane Cox is a freelance writer and author. Her 2012 humor book on life in the New York suburbs, The Homeowner’s Guide to Greatness: How to handle natural disasters, design dilemmas and various infestations, is available on Amazon.com. Follow her on Twitter at @JocelynJaneCox.