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By now, most people I know personally are aware that Mr. Sammich and I are expecting baby #3.  We weren’t expecting to expect any baby #3s, but shit happens, and as far as shit happening, I suppose this is some pretty blessed shit.

Blessed in that we will welcome another sweet bundle of humanness into our family (please don’t be a nightmare baby; please don’t be a nightmare baby), but not blessed in that BEING PREGNANT FUCKING SUCKS.  It does.  It really, really does.

Some feel good types will tell you they’ve never been more alive (I hate them with every ounce of hatred my raggedy ass can muster right now).  Others who have struggled to conceive are able to look past the unpleasantness and instead focus on the miracle of it all (and understandably so).

But me?  No.  Hell no.  I love my kids — I really do — but what it takes to get them here is nothing short of prisoner of war shit.  I’m sure of it.

And while all trimesters have their horrors (don’t let anyone fool you; if it’s not one thing, it’s another) with the exception of maybe a 4 day stretch during the second trimester, the first trimester’s terrors are a unique batch of suffering all their own.  I present you with early pregnancy symptoms that TOTALLY SUCK.

Nausea and vomiting.  Oh my God, people.  OH. MY. GOD.  Ever been hungover?  How about have the flu?  Because early pregnancy nausea and vomiting is nothing like that.  It’s worse.  Way worse.  It’s like living in a persistent cloud of nausea that won’t go away no matter how much Zofran or vitamin B6 you pop.  This shit is impervious to medical intervention, not to mention unpredictable.

Oatmeal may settle your stomach one day, but it’ll have you retching up your pancreas the next.  And you may think the only thing that’ll calm your stomach acid the fuck down is a Burger King hamburger, but you’re wrong.  You’re always wrong.  Always. Wrong.

Get used to hurling.  While it subsides for most sometime during the second trimester (lucky broads), for others (including yours truly) that nightmare lasts all the way to delivery.  And that’s a really long frickin’ time.

Sensitivity to odors.  Last week you complimented your partner on his or her new deodorant.  This week you swear to God if s/he comes within 100 yards of you with that shit on, you’ll murder him or her 6-hour-Lifetime-special style.

They’ve never bothered you before, these odors — in fact, you may have found some of them pleasant pre-pregnancy — but the following things will have you running for the nearest toilet before you can threaten further bodily harm to the love of your life (Because it’s always his or her fault.  Again, always.)

coffee

meat

house cleaning supplies

personal hygiene products

laundry

water (yes, water)

your other children

pets

people in the waiting room at the doctor’s office or in line at the bank (People. Are. Disgusting.)

B.O.

toothpaste

flowers

grass

campfire

restaurants

happiness

Gas.  You wouldn’t be gassier if you were responsible for illuminating and preserving life on Earth.  Best part is, the things you’re supposed to be eating because they’re healthy for you — vegetables and legumes, for example — will blow you up like the Michelin Man.  So that’s awesome.  As is the fact that you can’t go anywhere in public without fear of cropdusting innocent passersby.

At least if you have a dog, you can place the blame there?  Just stock up on Tums.  It may not eliminate your 5 alarm fart syndrome, but it will get your guts to stop fencing one another for an hour.

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Aches and pains.  Everything starts to hurt in pregnancy, particularly if it’s not your first.  Your boobs, back, joints, and ligaments feel like someone’s tried to play tether ball with them and lost.  Careful when you sneeze, because not only might you shit your pants, but also your expanding uterus doesn’t take too kindly to sudden jolts of movement.  You’ll simultaneously feel like your boobs are so heavy, they just might settle permanently at your knees and like someone’s stabbing you in your guts every time you jerk quickly.  Just slow down there, Roadrunner. You ain’t going anywhere quickly for quite some time.

Frequent urination.  You know how it seems you’ve opened a floodgate once you break the seal at a party or a bar?  Well, once you break the seal of pregnancy, there’s no turning back for 9 months.  You’ll have to pee in the middle of a meeting, while driving down the highway, just when you’re dreaming of downing a 6 pack and smoking a fatty, and right as you’re emptying your food intake for the past 4 hours into the trash bin beside your bed.

You’ll be so sick of peeing, you’ll welcome the catheter they offer during labor.  Trust me.  I begged them to let me take the damn thing home.

Fatty fatness.  Despite blowing chunks nearly every day of the week, you’ll still somehow manage to gain weight.

Perhaps it’s because your blood volume steadily increases throughout pregnancy until you’ve got approximately 50% more than you started with, you’re averaging 2 boxes of doughnuts a day because sugar is the only thing that keeps you from vomiting all over yourself, or because you’re retaining water like the Hoover.  Whatever the reason, you’re getting fat.  So very fat.  Not only is it uncomfortable, but everyone notices.

Yeah. Everyone.

If you manage to make it through all this, congratulations!  And also, just settle down.  Because the worst is yet to come.  YOU’RE WELCOME.

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