2017 hasn’t been the best year. There is widespread civil unrest. Our president likes to antagonize world leaders via twitter. The doomsday clock is two and a half minutes to midnight.
It’s hard to get out of bed these days, let alone decide what to wear. Fortunately, the Creatures of Comfort clothing line is here for you. Thanks to their uninspired silhouettes and post-apocalypse color palette, you can literally wear your existential dread on your sleeve.
Let’s say you have a lukewarm dinner date with a man who sent you a dick pic on Tinder. What can you wear that says, “I could be sexy if I wanted to, but I’m only here for the free cheddar biscuits”? Try the O-Asymmetry Strap Shoulder Dress. ($814)
Fall is just around the corner, and maybe you need a light jacket. Something inspired by bumbling 80s cartoon dick Inspector Gadget, but less flattering? I give you the Workcoat (not a real word) Trench Jacket. ($745)
Is the current political climate making you angry? Maybe you have been binge-watching old episodes of Dexter and thinking to yourself, “That psychopath was on to something!” For the serial killer hiding inside all of us, there are the Oregon Overalls Ripstop. ($495)
Have you seen The Handmaid’s Tale on Hulu yet? If there is one thing a TV adaptation of a dystopian novel set in a sexually oppressive patriarchy is good for, it’s inspiring fashion. Am I right, ladies? But I think we can all agree that Offred’s red frock was a little flashy. Instead, try the Sequoia Dress Weathercloth. ($450)
It’s possible I’ve gotten this all wrong. Maybe the ever-present threat of impending doom has made your pendulum swing the opposite way. You could be planning a 1970s-esque key party and you need a pair of kickass slacks that not only feel heavenly when your ecstasy-fueled fingers run over them, but also have large saddlebag pockets for all your party favors. I give you Samara Pant Velvet. ($425)
Now, maybe you considered those outfits and thought, “Hey, those dresses look comfy, actually. I don’t mind neutral colors. This is perfect!”
Well, slow your roll there, Pollyanna.
Did you look at the prices? It costs a pretty penny to look that miserable. These clothes are clearly marketed to the 1% who can actually afford to build a bomb shelter and survive the inevitable destruction of humankind. You and your irregular Tignanello handbag from Marshall’s are going to be vaporized like the rest of us.
Images source: Creatures of Comfort