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Date Nights Are Kinda Bullsh*t When You Become Parents

By Sarah Hosseini

The romance isn’t dead; it’s just different.

Before I had kids, my husband and I bought into the whole “date night” thing hook, line and sinker. We’d go out to a restaurant at least once a week and label it “date night.” It was our big quality time to catch up after a whirlwind work week. We had very different work schedules, and we were like two ships passing in the night. Date night was our chance to catch up. It was our big attempt at romance. And novelty.

Although, admittedly, the most adventurous we really got was deciding to go to a new restaurant versus the same ol’ Mexican restaurant down the street with the incredible mole’ sauce and best frozen margaritas.

Wow. We’re so brave.

Our current culture somehow made us believe that a date a week keeps the divorce away. I don’t buy it. I don’t need a date night with my husband to keep things hot in my relationship.

Popular psycho-babble opinion tells couples to put dates on the calendar to keep the sparks alive. We got lots of sparks, right here at home. I don’t need to go out; we got goddamn fireworks up in here.

No, not really, but here’s the thing – I don’t give a shit about fucking sparks. I give a shit about sleep; ya hurd me, mamas?

Furthermore, everyone seems so hell bent on pushing their love for “keeping the romance alive” and “date nights” on me.

No matter how many times I’ve told my grandmother (bless her heart) that date nights aren’t really our thing, she refuses to believe me. You know how I know this? Because every year for our birthdays or Christmas she buys my husband and me a gift card to a restaurant. And in the card she writes, “Enjoy your night out!!!”

While I appreciate the gift, I almost never use the gift card on my husband and me. I use it on going out to eat with my kids. It’s not sad. It’s not pathetic. It’s just not my priority. I got married for this very reason: SO I’D NEVER HAVE TO GO ON ANOTHER DATE AGAIN.

My Facebook feed is littered with posts from people who buy into date nights: “I LOVE my husband SO MUCH. He vacuumed today and therefore deserves a GOLD STAR. HE is MY HERO. Can’t WAIT for date night, hubby!”

Excuse me while I vomit in my mouth.

Let’s be for real: date night with kids in the picture? Do you know how difficult that is? The logistics alone make me loony. Picking the date, lining up the sitter, having an outfit that fits, paying for the sitter and the date. To me, it’s never worth it. I’d rather Netflix and chill with mah main man and call it a….date night.

Here are 10 Reasons Date Nights Are Kinda Bullshit

1. Too much planning. They require forethought. And honestly, since I’ve had kids, I’m lucky if I can think about what I’m cooking for dinner an hour before I actually cook it (or order it). I use my planning skills for deadlines at work and vacations, not for one-on-one time with my husband. He’s the one person I don’t want to make a plan with. I’m supposed to just chill with him.

2. Clothes. Who wants to wear clothes? Especially ones that constrict, contort, shove, and suffocate mom bod doughiness. No thanks. And PS – Spanx can suck a fat one. Just NOPE. NOPE AF.

3. Grooming. Whether or not sexy-time is actually going to happen, there’s this expectation to be ready for it. And ready requires a little wax and shave. I just don’t have time for all that.

4. Pressure to put out. There is this expectation that if you go on a date with your married lover, you have to have sex. I can’t take the pressure. I’m not a fan of contrived, expected anything – including sex. Spontaneous sex is so much more sexy.

5. Hype. It’s like friggin’ prom night. You get a cute outfit, cute shoes, do your hair and makeup and then you get to dinner and it’s like wa-wa. You’re sitting across from the person you talk to every day, except in a fancy restaurant. Woopty-friggin’-do. I live with my ‘date.’ There’s nothing more to get to know about him. During date night we end up having the same ol’ recycled conversations we always have. It’s regurgitated pillow talk, but with a restaurant bill.

6. Epic Disappointment. Because dates hardly ever live up to the hype.

7. Financial Cost. Babysitters. Transportation to and from date. Actual cost of date. By the time you’re done, you’re lookin’ at minimum 100 bucks. That’s if you saw a matinee movie and went straight home after.

8. Stress of the sitter texts.

Susie is crying, I can’t get her to stop.
Tommy took crayons and colored on the walls and Susie is crying. Did I mention Susie is CRYING?
What time are you guys coming home?

9. “Kid Talk.” Any couple that vows to “not talk about the kids” while on date night is lying to themselves. You will talk about the kids. It’s OK. It’s normal. But I’d rather do it for free or over a nice bottle of not-overpriced-wine at our damn house.

10. I hate dating. I was never a fan of dating. Main reason – small talk. I hate small talk. It pains me.

Again, isn’t the point of getting married so you DON’T have to go on dates anymore?

Since becoming a married mom of two kids, I’m lucky if I get to watch one hour of mindless television. And I would love to do that while vegging out on the couch, in my ugly pajamas, with no make-up on, hair in a messy bun with my main man. No frills, just foot rubs and love.

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About the Author

Sarah Hosseini is a writer, mother, Profanity Princess and Expletive Expert. She is currently giving her kids enough material to write a book about her one day. Until then, they’re her material. Her work is published on Sammiches & Psych Meds, Scary Mommy, Cosmopolitan, Redbook Magazine, Good Housekeeping, The Huffington Post, Bustle, YourTango and many more. She blogs weekly at Sarah lives in Atlanta-ish with her husband and two daughters. Follow Sarah on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram