As a high school educator, I am intimately familiar with the ways of our future leaders and fellow citizens, and I’ve got to tell you: I’ve found that interpersonal communication skills — and doing life skills in general — are seriously lacking, not just in society in general, but in our youth in particular.
And it’s effing terrifying. And really, really exhausting.
To be clear, I’m not referring to individuals who have special needs that make communicating and understanding social norms difficult. I’m referring to those who don’t have unique circumstances affecting their interaction with others. I’m referring to people who should know the nuances of engaging with others.
In an effort to catch the lack of interpersonal skills early and help teachers and parents identify youngsters in serious need of intervention, I’ve developed this simple Can You Do Life? pretest. Distribute to your students or children to see just how in need of a come to Jesus they are, and then pray. Because I’m guessing that’s about the only thing that’s gonna help these days.
CAN YOU DO LIFE? A DIAGNOSTIC QUIZ
1) You are expected to be in a certain place at a certain time. How do you handle this situation?
A. Show up to the place on time.
B. Show up to the place a few minutes late, walk in as quietly as possible, and have a seat until you can explain your tardiness to someone.
C. Show up to the wrong place entirely (despite knowing full well where the right place is and having been there numerous times), walk in many minutes late, and continue talking and chuckling loudly to the person you were with even though that person is no longer in your presence. Then when everyone looks at you incredulously, bark, “WHAT?!”
2) A classmate or colleague is delivering a presentation in front of the whole room, and you discover that your pencil is not sharpened to your liking. How do you handle this situation?
A. Politely wait until the classmate or colleague is finished, and then get up to sharpen your pencil quietly, taking care not to disrupt the next presenter or anyone else in the room.
B. Get up quietly to sharpen your pencil, and then stand awkwardly by the pencil sharpener, hovering over the classmate or colleague sitting nearby and making him uncomfortable as you wait for the presenter to finish.
C. Announce to the room that your pencil needs to be sharpened, and then get out of your seat with a bang, tripping over and scattering 167 things about the room. Proceed to sharpen your pencil (even though you don’t need to use it right now), not with the quiet, manual pencil sharpener but with the loud, electronic one. When the sound of your pencil being munched to death drowns out the presenter and everyone looks at you incredulously, bark, “WHAT?!”
3) The internet connection stops working on your tablet or laptop while you’re trying to complete a task –OR– You are trying to complete a task but aren’t sure how the website or program you’re using works. How do you handle this situation?
A. Fiddle with the internet settings and reboot your computer until the internet connection is restored / Look for a Help section or FAQ link, click on it, read the user tutorial, and proceed with your task.
B. Get up and tell your teacher or supervisor that your internet connection isn’t working / you don’t know how to use this particular website or program even though you know full well your teacher or supervisor isn’t a Web tech guru or program expert. Don’t ask for help after making your declaration. Just stand there awkwardly, shifting your eyes between your computer screen and your teacher or supervisor.
C. Scream,”I HATE THIS FUCKING COMPUTER!” as loudly as possible while tossing it across the room. Knock over a chair or other piece of furniture to make your point clearer. When someone asks you what the problem is, tell them you’re not really sure because you only spent .7 seconds trying to fix it and you can’t remember now anyway because it’s dumb. YOLO.
4) Someone asks you a question. How do you handle this situation?
A. Practice effective listening skills and body language during the exchange, and answer the question to the best of your ability.
B. Stare uncomfortably at the inquirer and remain unpleasantly silent for longer than you should. Then offer an answer, but with an upturned inflection at the end as if you’re not really sure of anything, least of all the thoughts in your own head.
C. Sit there in a comatose state, leaving the inquirer to wonder if s/he should come over and check for a pulse. Right when s/he decides maybe that’d be a good idea, blurt out loudly, “HUH?” –OR– Shout out something completely irrelevant and at a volume ten times what it should be.
5) You are supposed to read a certain chapter in a book, but you don’t know on what page the chapter begins. How do you handle this situation?
A. Consult the table of contents or glossary, locate the page number, and begin reading.
B. Email your teacher or supervisor and ask what page it’s on.
C. Email your teacher or supervisor and ask what page it’s on every minute for an hour straight, becoming increasingly agitated with each tick of the clock. Come in the next day and announce loudly that you didn’t read the chapter and it’s all the teacher’s or supervisor’s fault because s/he didn’t respond to your emails that you sent from 1 AM to 2 AM straight.
[/nextpage] [nextpage title=”Page 2″ ]6) You look up your grade or paycheck amount on the online grade book or banking website and see an error. How do you handle this situation?
A. Go into the classroom or human resources office, approach the teacher or payroll person like a regular human being, and tell them you were looking at your grade/pay stub the night before and think there might be an error. Would s/he mind looking into that for you? Thanks so much.
B. Stew about the error for a few weeks and then have your parents call the teacher or payroll person and demand an explanation rather than approach him or her yourself and in a timely manner.
C. Send a nasty email to your teacher or supervisor, post all about it on social media, and then come into the classroom or human resources office the next day, hissing and snarling at the teacher or payroll person and causing a scene. Promise to sick a lawyer on them for good measure.
7) Your teacher or supervisor is in the middle of an important tutorial at the front of the room, and you decide you need to use the restroom. How do you handle this situation?
A. Wait until the teacher or supervisor is finished and then ask/tell them where you’re going, or if it’s an emergency, get up quietly, leave a note on his/her desk, and exit the room without distraction.
B. Raise your hand when the teacher or supervisor asks if anyone as a question so far. When s/he calls on you, tell him/her you have to go to the bathroom. Don’t ask if you can go. Just announce it as if this is Facebook and that statement is your status update.
C. Blurt out as loudly as possible that you have “TO TAKE A PISS” and stand up, holding your crotch in front of everybody. When you get back, proceed to recount in detail every bit of your experience to the people sitting anywhere within five rows of you.
8) You are charged with writing a paragraph before class or work the next day, but your computer crashes. How do you handle this situation?
A. Hand write your paragraph on a sheet of paper and explain to your teacher or supervisor the next day what happened but that you were able to complete the task anyway.
B. Miraculously email your teacher or supervisor (despite not having a functioning technical device) to tell them your computer crashed and you can’t write the paragraph. Ignore the email s/he sends in return suggesting you hand write it.
C. Do nothing. What is handwriting, anyway? Is that like payphones and land lines?
9) You are feeling kind of tired and unmotivated today, but you go to school or work anyway. How do you handle this situation?
A. Rally and perform your duties to the best of your ability. Tomorrow will be a better day.
B. Waltz in and ask why you can’t have a do-nothing day. Whine about any and everything on the agenda.
C. Fall asleep at your desk. Refuse to do anything, but demand you get compensated with a grade or money for your time anyway.
10) Your teacher or supervisor has spent a lot of time putting something together for you, whether it’s an activity, a presentation, or a celebration. How do you handle this situation?
A. Engage in the activity, presentation, or celebration and enjoy yourself or, even if you don’t enjoy it, recognize that it was crafted with your best interests in mind.
B. Roll your eyes and participate — reluctantly.
C. Complain loudly, taking extra care to insert comments such as, “THIS IS STUPID” and “I HATE THIS” as often as possible. Find fault with everything and make everyone around you miserable.
RESULTS
Mostly As: You’re In the Clear — Congratulations! You have a fully functioning, productive member of society on your hands. Breathe easily.
Mostly Bs: Danger — Some intervention needed. The good news is, there’s hope. Good luck with that.
Mostly Cs: Cry Yourself to Sleep — Heavy intervention needed. If all else fails, consider not living on this planet anymore. You don’t want to have to vote with these people.
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