By Amanda Elder of Stay-at-Home Panda
I’d be lying if I said having two kids is easier than one. There’s double the mess, double the fuss, and I still find myself cooking with one hand and chasing a toddler around restaurants. However, something shifted in me when I became a mom of two. I let go a little. (Maybe a lot.) I’m now juggling more than ever but not stressing the way I used to.
I once heard Oprah say that when she asks her guests what one piece of advice they would give their younger selves, the most common answer is to relax. It is the same advice I would give the new-mom version of myself as well. I’ve learned a lot in my four-and-a-half years of motherhood, and if I could, I’d go back and tell myself the following:
Don’t even try to be the perfect mom. Doing so creates stress, judgment, and guilt. Instead of striving to be the perfect mom, shoot to be a happy one.
Don’t forget about yourself. With a baby in your arms, spawn from a magical invisible realm, miracles are real. It’s so captivating that it’s tempting to live solely for your divine little creature. But you are still a person outside of motherhood; don’t forget that and don’t feel bad for it. Keep your passions and interests. Listen to music you like. Constantly ask yourself what you want and need. Stay in touch with yourself.
Your kids are capable of more than you think. If co-sleeping is driving you crazy, sleep train them. The change will likely be harder on you than them. If you’re sick of breastfeeding, wean. Your little one will transition just fine. If you’re worried about taking a trip because you don’t want your babe being in a car seat too long, go ahead and do it. Giving your little one opportunities to build patience and frustration tolerance is a good thing. Just give them breaks along the way as needed. Keep living your life, though.
Speaking of giving your child breaks, take some yourself. Hand your baby over to other people who love him. It’s good for him to develop relationships with others and good for you to save a little sanity.
Don’t stress the small stuff, like your child eating a strawberry that isn’t organic, or having too many cookies at Grandma’s. It will be okay. Don’t let your ideals get your panties in a bunch.
Don’t Google every little symptom because it will send you into a panic. All kids get sick, and although we don’t want that to happen, the more exposure they receive, the more resistant they become. If you’re concerned about your child, stay away from the Internet and go to the doctor.
Same with milestones. Let your baby develop as he does naturally. Don’t obsess over when he sits up or rolls over or says “mama.” Let your baby be who he is, trusting that he will do everything when the time is right for him. If you think something is wrong, resist comparing him to others and go to the doctor.
Don’t let your routine get in the way of your life. Even though structured days are crucial for sanity, don’t be a slave to them. Skipped naps and late bedtimes are the worst, but so is missing out on fun opportunities. Enjoy beach days, cookouts, and weddings. When your kids are tired enough, they will sleep. Children are adaptable. Go have fun.
Things change. Right now your child might want to attach herself to you like a parasite. She might wake up in the middle of the night and throw herself on the floor because you cut her toast the wrong way. This will not be your life forever. Every phase and stage is impermanent, and it gets easier. The worries of today are not the ones of tomorrow. Breathe and get through it.
Your kid doesn’t need a bunch of stuff. Remember when you would go to someone’s house and see a neat educational toy or bouncer or book and you’d think, “Maybe we need that, too”? You really thought that maybe you were depriving your child or that he wouldn’t reach a milestone without some device. Go to a developing country and discover that kids are developing and thriving the same without all the stuff cluttering the living room. Stick to the basics. Even my 1-year-old only cares to play with shoes and Tupperware.
Trust yourself as a parent. If you do it differently than someone else, that doesn’t make you wrong. People have different styles, and that’s okay. People aren’t judging you the way you think they are. Or maybe they are, but that’s still okay. Don’t parent based on what other people expect of you. Parent from your own heart.
The advice I’d give the younger version of myself is the same as all those Oprah guests: Relax. Your success as a mother isn’t based on how much you can control, but how much you can enjoy. Breathe in, and let go.
*****
About the Author
Amanda is a teacher turned stay-at-home mom in Orlando, FL. When she’s not playing with trains or doing dishes, she is writing about it. Find her at Stay-at-Home Panda.