I decided today to attempt a new way of dealing with my three-year-old. You see, I had a headache and she needed…well, she needed whatever attention she could get.

I had recently read some steps for dealing with a bear attack (because you never know; you just never know!) and I decided to try them out on her to see if they would work. Here is how that experiment went:

Step 1: Identify the type of bear. This was a Nina bear, which is to say she is the most dangerous bear there is. A mix of polar bear, grizzly, and teddy bear.

Step 2: Try to figure out what the “bear” wants. Is it being defensive, or did it just wake up on the wrong side of the forest? Woke up on the wrong side of the forest.

Step 3: Don’t panic. Noted, but she is jumping on me. And she has taken my phone.

Step 4: If it should charge, deal with it as calmly as possible. Riiight, but she’s jumping on my back. Don’t use pepper spray or hit the bear unless it’s attacking you? Well, are you sure? What if that is too late?

Step 5: Play dead, but only if it’s the “right” time to play dead. The particular species I have sees playing dead as a way to jump unimpeded on you like a bouncy castle. I didn’t even know that was something native to the forest. I blame campers with their pic-a-nic baskets.

Step 6: Find the bear’s weakness. She’s pretty short. That could be a strength, though, too; low to the ground. I think I can run faster than her – especially if I dress her in flip flops.

Step 7: Fight with anything around you. Now I’m not sure, but does bribing count? I had some fruit snacks. That I tossed 10 feet away. It worked for a moment.

Step 8: Get away. Things I read said don’t run; walk as fast as you can. She caught me and held on. I eventually told her Dad was looking for her and locked myself in the bathroom.

There was one more step that I tried that was not in any field guides. I call it “guilt hunting” the bear into leaving you alone. That went like, “Uggh, Mama has a headache. You are pushing Mom off the couch. Why are you doing that? Head… pain… faint.”

This was equally ineffective.