By Jocelyn Cox of The Home Tome
Sometimes my husband and I talk about having a second child. Then I remember: pregnancy. Which causes me to remember, among other physical discomforts, heartburn.
Truthfully, heartburn is the perfect descriptor for that burning sensation in your chest that escalates during pregnancy. But that doesn’t mean you can’t spend nine to ten months thinking of other ways to describe, and even personify, your pain. Here’s what I came up with:
1. There’s a sparkler in my throat: Heartburn thinks it’s a warm summer night and that your name needs to be spelled out with large, illuminated brushstrokes again, and again…and again.
2. HELP, I’m choking on a serrated knife: Heartburn used to work in a bakery where he learned to expertly slice bagels and bread.
3. Digestion in reverse. Now with flames!: Heartburn doesn’t care about gravity. Heartburn swats away fire extinguishers as if they’re tiny bugs. Heartburn thinks firefighters should stay where they belong… on the pages of calendars.
4. Candle Chest: Heartburn holds a séance. He lights every candle he can find and falls asleep while they’re still burning.
5. I’m carrying a fire-breathing dragonchild: Heartburn forms an LLC with a cute but feisty dragon. It’s a tech start-up: they have several apps in the works focusing mostly on locating campfires and suggesting the easiest ways to spread them.
6. Desperately seeking snow cone: Heartburn’s writing a screenplay set on the streets of Hell. He will play the villain.
7. Sweet Jesus, this saliva stings: Heartburn and Tobasco just got hitched and they’re honeymooning at a hot sauce contest.
8. Esophagus of eternal pain: Heartburn buys a hospital and takes delight in turning patients away.
Did you have pregnancy-induced heartburn? Did you feel like you were going to vomit lava? I got some relief from drinking milk (which I otherwise hate to drink,) and good ol’ TUMS (which I tried to limit for fear they were poisoning my child… but I was paranoid that way.) What worked for you? Tell me your secrets!
This post was originally published on The Home Tome
About Jocelyn Jane Cox
Jocelyn Jane Cox is the mother of a toddler, a figure skating coach, and a nap-time blogger with a weird penchant for decorative mushrooms. She is the author of The Homeowner’s Guide to Greatness and blogs about the adventures of parenting and home-ownership at The Home Tome. She can also be found on Twitter and Facebook.