When I first entertained the notion of cryogenically freezing someone, I thought, “Hmmm. A person has to be legally dead to be cryogenically frozen. Well, that sucks.”
As I continued researching, though, I discovered there is definitely a difference between legally dead and totally dead.
Legally dead means there is still brain function. Totally dead means none. Ok, so we’ve got that down.
There are companies that will actually come pick up your body and start giving your brain just enough oxygen to keep minimal function going and anticoagulants to keep your blood from clotting while being transferred to the “facility” where the actual freezing begins.
Whoa. Mind blown.
I thought they could just put your body in a vat of liquid nitrogen and be done with it. Sure, they can, but who would’ve known your cells and stuff would instantly shatter and die?
That’s no bueno.
As a nurse, I should have known that wouldn’t work. Besides, I’m not actually thinking of freezing my own body. I want to freeze my son’s. And here are 5 reasons why.
1. He’s almost 18.
At 18 he will legally be an adult, and let’s face it: boys can be stupid. That means he might get into trouble. I mean, not my little angel, but you never know. So let’s just be safe and keep that record clean.
2. He’s funny as hell.
Yes. He inherited that from me. I still struggle daily to not be jaded about humanity. I suffer. Being funny is a burden, and you are either born with a sense of humor or not. He was. So let’s keep the laughs coming. Because every day it gets harder and harder to not hate people.
3. He’s going to find that special someone.
Eeew. No. Not my little boy. No way am I about to let some cold-hearted woman trample all over my angel’s feelings. Nuh uh.
Besides, I’m legally an adult, and the things that I’ve fantasized about doing to the first woman who breaks my boy’s heart? No bond will be set.
With that said, let’s not have to set up a savings account to put money on my books when I go to jail.
[/nextpage] [nextpage title=”Page 2″ ]4. He’s smart!
It’s a known fact that as we age we lose brain cells. Sure, we learn more as we age, but see numbers 2 and 3. As he ages, he will no doubt lose some of his sense of humor, and some “pretty lady” is going to break his heart, and we all know that we learn from mistakes.
Let’s cut out those mistakes. I’ve managed to make it through the ones he’s made so far.
5. I am his mother.
I let him feed off of me for 2 weeks past the time his lease was up in my womb. Therefore, I can do whatever, whenever I please to him. (Ok, I can’t really, but I can dream, can’t I?)
Realistically? I know it’s not going to happen.
I’ll be old and dead by the time the scientists predict the first cryogenically frozen human will be successfully revived. (They haven’t quite figured out that part yet.) I wouldn’t get to enjoy him. I’d have to cryogenically freeze him again anyway because duh! Numbers 1-5 above!
With that being said, I suppose I’ll let him grow up. I don’t want to, but at least until science gets its shit together, that’s the only choice.
Plus, I don’t have the $200,000 it would take anyway. So there’s that.
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