Everyone says getting married and having children is fun and makes your life more joyful. I have two boys and I’m not sure about girls, but my boys are disgusting! They don’t seem to understand how much I dislike needing a second shower after sitting in their pee because someone forgot to lift the toilet seat.

To that end, here are some things I never thought I would have to say to any human being.

1. The garbage can is NOT a toilet.

2. No, you cannot pee in the bathtub while your brother uses the toilet.

3. No, my tampons cannot be used to soak up oil.

4. Did you just use my tampons to soak up gasoline from your carburetor?

5. How many toy guns do you have already?

6. LIFT THE TOILET SEAT.

7. Who peed on the wall?!

8. No, I will NOT pull your finger.

9. We do not ask old ladies if they fart dust!

10. Quit playing with your penis at the dinner table!

11. No, you cannot put a watermelon seed up your pee hole.

12. I can’t marry you because I married your daddy.

13. Because, girls sit to pee. Our aim is better that way.

14. No, you cannot use my tampons for bullets in your Nerf gun.

15. You are not allowed to sing while you pee; you bounce and pee everywhere.

16. How did you get poop THERE?

17. How did you manage to get pee in your eye?

18. No, pads are not grown up pull-ups.

19. Yes, you do have clean clothes; look in your dresser.

20. We don’t wear the same socks every day; it’s gross.

21. No, dads do not need tampons.

22. No, you cannot drink toilet water like the dog.

23. Quit playing with the dog’s penis!

24. We are not making a trip to the E.R. if you hurt yourself because you wouldn’t listen!

25. No, my pads are not like band-aids!

26. Why would you want a picture of your poop?!

27. Who ripped one and didn’t warn us?!

28. No, you cannot use the douche bottle as a squirt gun.

29. You cannot come downstairs naked for breakfast.

30. Damn it, whatever your name is, ENOUGH!

31. I’m going to make you sit down on the toilet if you keep peeing on my floor!

32. Quit eating boogers!

33. No, you cannot share your boogers with your brother.

34. Quit putting your bare butt on the window! We have neighbors!

35. I don’t have a paper towel for your bloody nose; here, use a tampon.

Sometimes I dislike being the only girl in the house; then I remember all the Barbies and accessories. Boys don’t judge when I fart or when I’m sick and I stink up the bathroom. I may have to say some crazy things to them, but I’m glad for every new adventure they bring to my life!