1. If you have a crap ton of diapers on hand, you won’t need them. If you don’t, your kid will shit the equivalent of an erupting volcano.
2. If something is due tomorrow, you can bet your ass your hard drive will crash/your printer will run out of ink/your internet connection will fail/your soft led #2 pencils will refuse sharpening.
3. If something at the grocery store has been marked down 40%, it’s rotten (or about 4 minutes away from being rotten).
4. No one ever says “Bless your heart” and means well.
5. If you decide to drastically cut or color your hair, it will look every bit as terrible as you fear.
6. When people ask you if you’re OK, it means you look like shit.
7. If you feel like people are staring and judging you for your wardrobe choice, they probably are.
8. There is such a thing as too much garlic.
9. There is no mystery about having gained weight. It was either the coney dogs and onion rings that did it, or you need to get your ass to a doctor immediately.
10. Asshole drivers are only assholes because they’ve bested you at your own game.
11. Never ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless the baby is crowning.
12. Vodka does make you a better dancer. To yourself.
13. If you wear black and carry a lint roller, you won’t need it. If you wear black and don’t, you’ll look like a bunny rabbit exploded on your evening gown.
14. There is no such thing as a well fitting bra.
15. If you have to ask whether you look fat in those, the answer is yes.
16. Any church or other religious establishment which seeks to disenfranchise others is really just a hate group with political interests.
17. Once you’ve worn a maternity thong, there’s no going back.
18. Children automatically ask “What?” even after they’ve clearly heard every word you’ve said.
19. Flu-like symptoms present the worst on Sunday evenings and miraculously disappear by Friday afternoons.
20. That group of disrespectful, flagrant teenagers with their pants down to their ankles and their goods popping out of their tank tops? That was you once. Shhh. Yes, it really was.
21. It is impossible to drink 2 boxes of wine and NOT order chili cheese fries at Steak and Shake.
22. Cigarettes will kill you. As will booze and salt and non-organic strawberries. It’s all a crapshoot, really.
23. Kids’ tummies hurt the worst at bedtime, before school, and when there’s broccoli left to finish on their plates.
24. No one at the DMV is happy. If a clerk is smiling, s/he has either just stolen from petty cash or is about to blow that motherfucker to pieces.
25. Fast food restaurants have a Screw-Up-The-Order quota they’re required to meet each month. It’s true. They totally do.
26. We can program a computer to go for a months-long hike on Mars, but we can’t get “there, their, and they’re” right for fucking once in the history of our people.
27. Johnny Depp is an amazing actor.
28. Hope is either a deceitful mistress or a saving grace.
29. Crowded places are often the loneliest of all.
30. Bill Clinton memes never get old.
31. Sometimes it seems there is no better friend in the world than a good book.
32. Some of your greatest confidantes in life will end up being people you barely know.