Our spouses are our best friends, our rocks, our boo thangs forever-ever. It’s just that sometimes, we want to hug them around the neck. With leather clad hands. Tight. Tighter. So tight that their arms go limp. We would never do it, of course, but marriage means keeping the spark alive by acting just batshit enough that they believe we would.
This ultimate, and very much unofficial, spouse-off includes 25 brutal tweets from the funny hubses and wifeys of Twitter. Think of these as an affectionate rap battle where you call the other person an asshole, but lovingly.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, "Too many. You're wasting them!"
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 28, 2017
Date with husband: shaves, maybe.
Gynecologist appt: full body wax, perms and glitters pubes, orders new vagina on Amazon…
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) December 7, 2015
My wife has 215 junk drawers. Also known as our house.
— Slim (@passing_the_hat) December 25, 2017
My wife is in charge of the television remote so I guess we are just slowly scrolling through the guide tonight.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 10, 2018
My husband and I are playing a fun game where he texts me pictures of himself in potential new glasses frames and I text back I hate those.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) July 14, 2017
My husband's so smart.
He's prepared for the Apocalypse by leaving pants puddled on the family room floor so he can make a quick exit.
— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) January 27, 2016
CAUSE OF DEATH: Victim brushed against one of his wife's empty shampoo bottles in shower, leading to resulting avalanche. Buried instantly.
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) May 1, 2017
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) October 28, 2017
The rap battle at the end of 8 Mile, except me and my wife arguing about who does the dishes more often.
— The Dad (@thedad) December 28, 2014
Dear husbands: When you’re in a heated discussion with your wife and she suddenly pauses, turns & says “WHAT?” it’s not bc she didn’t hear you, it’s cause she’s ‘bout to low key stab your ass.
— MacgyveringMom (@MacgyveringM22) January 5, 2018
"You always leave all the lights on!"
-my husband, who has never once turned off any light or the TV before going to bed, or leaving the house, or just going upstairs…
— Mommy, a real person (@MommyIsAPerson) December 19, 2017
My wife reminded me she carried our kids in her body for 9 months, so I reminded her I probably carried them in my balls longer than that.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) April 24, 2016
We have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio unless I'm driving then my wife controls the radio.
— Dan R (@Social_Mime) October 10, 2017
Me: *diligently picks up every coin I find and puts it in a locked container so it’s not a choking hazard.*
Husband: *casually dumps out pockets of change every night onto the closest flat surface.*
— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) January 7, 2018
Husband: Honey, don't be mad but…[I am already climbing into a WWII era tank and fastening my helmet]
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) July 3, 2016
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) December 17, 2017
My kid is walkin around the house, asking "Where's my balls?"
I don't know, son, but check your mom's purse. That's where mine are.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 10, 2013
Sometimes I hang my husband's work shirts on my daughter's pink hangers to remind him that even though he makes the money, I run this place.
— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) December 15, 2015
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
— Ricardo 'Rich' Cromwell (@rcromwell4) April 12, 2016
Wife: *laughing uncontrollably* So THIS is your midlife crisis??
Me: *struggles to get out of a Mazda Miata*
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) September 11, 2017
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 30, 2017
I made my wife time me while I sprinted around the store in the shoes I was trying on and now I don't have to go shopping with her anymore.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 26, 2017
3: Avg. number of weeks after husband puts random item on kitchen counter until I yell, "Is this gonna stay here for the rest of our lives?"
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 2, 2017
wife: why were you in the shower for such a long time?
me: [out of breath] your hair in the shower drain became sentient & attacked me
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) June 16, 2016