I’m tired of apologizing for not answering the phone. Maybe I do it because deep down, I really am an asshole. I’m sure you want to know why, so here are some reasons I’m not answering your calls.

1. I’m Peeing

I drink a lot of fluids. I have kidney issues, and I’m not answering when I’m sitting on the toilet. The echo is annoying on my end and I can just imagine the sounds you’re hearing. I’m likely to fart and ruin the entirety of the conversation anyways. I figure, why not save us each an awkward pause.

2. I’m Indulging in Mommy Porn

I have an obsession with reading some of the most sensual sex scenes available in print form. I’m not talking Fifty Shades of Grey. I’m talking about reading sex scenes made for porn sites. I don’t want to be on the phone with you while thinking about taking my vibrator for a spin. Awkward.

3. I’m Sleeping

I’m an angry bitch when I don’t get sleep. Which brings me back to number two. Maybe I’ve finally cracked, escaping to my room. Or maybe I’m taking a nap. Dreaming about being the center of a sex scene is private and sacred. Stop calling me.

4. I’m Not Interested in Engaging in a Wet T-shirt Contest

Do you think I enjoy doing dishes? I’m short, and every time my hand slips on a plate my shirt gets soaked. I’m not going to dry off just to talk to you. I really don’t enjoy cold dishwater any more than I enjoy my saggy drenched fun bags.

5. I’m a Boring Old Shrew

No, I didn’t go out today. I may have checked the mail or cleaned up another pile of cat vomit. I’m sure you had a great day but, talking about my cat’s stomach contents doesn’t seem like a fun topic. I really can’t compete with fairy tales of freedom.

6. I’m Battling Screaming Demons

It never fails. If I do need to call someone, my children are there, talking over me. Any other time during the day they couldn’t start being assholes; while I’m on the phone seems to suit them just fine. I can’t hear you, and it’s pointless to call back later. It’s not going to be any less busy.

7. I’m On the Internet

I spend a lot of time with ten or more browser tabs open. I’m trying to do this writing thing, and it takes a bit of effort. Once I finally get a good train of thought that’s not interrupted by kids slamming each other into walls, I run with it. I don’t stop typing or longhand writing until it’s all out. If I stop to answer the phone, it’s going to take me days to pick back up where I left off.

8. There’s Smut on T.V.

I know Netflix saves my spot, but if I give up my show for a moment, my kids jump for it like it holds the world’s secrets. T.V. time is sacred to me. I’m forced to live without it most of the time, listening to stupid children shows and wondering who in the hell came up with the idea for a boy to turn into a female Superhero. Shazam is the weirdest fucking thing ever. Look that shit up.

9. It’s Time for the King’s Arrival

I see my darling husband for about two hours a day. If he’s not sleeping, he’s working. Downtime doesn’t count in a marriage. I’d like to talk to him for a little while and sending your call to voicemail makes it easier. If I even remember that you have called, I’m already in bed and exhausted.

10. Feeding Time

Trying to keep my house running and clean requires a lot of my time. I’d rather spend my time reading or doing something fun for me. I know it will never happen, but a girl can dream. I also need to eat. I don’t want to talk on the phone and take little bites, making my food cold. I’m going to chow down like a cat on catnip. My moans of delight are going to make you uncomfortable.

11. I’m an Awful Multitasker

I can’t talk on the phone and deal with my kids. Yes, I got your text, I know Bubba was cute with his six-pack beer belly, but I really don’t want to know his dick is a shriveled-up mini-smoky link. The one with the babies making fart bubbles was pretty awesome. Keep sending me those funny texts.

Your best chance to talk with me is going to be through Facebook messaging. I’m going to cancel my phone.  I rarely use it other than to call my husband. There’s no sense in paying for something useless. If you don’t have The King’s number, chances are you aren’t in my top friends category anyway.

Besides. It’s only taken me days to get this typed and edited. I think my longest conversation has been with my friend from Memoirs of Prissy Britches. Even she has to wait hours for responses.

Now, I need to get in the shower before I lose my chance.