By Carrie Tinsley of Carrie On, Y’all 

My husband and I love HGTV. We sit around at night after the kids have gone to bed, drink a few beers, and make snarky comments about the unendingly picky, weird people HGTV finds to be on its flagship program House Hunters.

Honestly, these people aren’t all bad, but we have invented a House Hunters Drinking Game if you’d ever like to play along. However, I also have a few things to say to those couples who choose their homes on national television.

1. What do you do for a living? How is your budget 800K when you graduated from college fifteen minutes ago and you’re engaged to be married? I don’t understand this math.

2. Please don’t make the closet joke again… “Haha…where will your clothes go?” If one more woman makes that joke, I swear I’m boycotting (okay, not really). HGTV has worn that joke out, y’all.

3. Did you ever discuss the house you would buy before they began taping the show? Modern or traditional? New construction or fixer upper? Why is this argument just now happening on national television? It makes me think your relationship isn’t going to work and you’ll be selling the house you’re about to buy in two years as part of the divorce settlement.

4. Not everyone gets stainless appliances, granite, and a complete kitchen and bathroom renovation in their first house. Your budget is 115K. You might need to work your way up, and you’ll be more grateful for the nicer house you buy or fix up down the road.

5. Do not complain about the paint color. Um, get a gallon and paintbrush, my friend. It’s an easy fix.

6. Man Cave is a weird term. I get that people who live together need to retreat to their separate corners to be alone or hang with the guys sometimes, but it’s just creepy to say “man cave.” And we all know that it will become a “play room” when kids come along.

7. Should the lack of a gas stove really be a deal-breaker? Maybe I sound like I just crawled out of the husband’s “man cave,” but I’ve cooked on an electric stove forever. Somehow, I’ve survived.

8. It’s kind of weird to climb into someone else’s bathtub on national television. Bonus awkwardness if you both get in. We don’t need that visual, and I’m pretty sure that the dual bath might not happen as often as you think.

9. If the listing is 5K-10K over your budget, it’s within your budget. Don’t complain to the real estate agent in front of the entire world. It’s called negotiation, y’all.

10. Your party at the end is also awkward. We get it. You’re happy about the new house. Your kids are jumping in a pool, you’re grilling something, and your friends are all standing around and uncomfortably smiling while holding glasses of wine. Shut off the cameras and have a real party.

House Hunters Drinking Game

Drink when the following words or phrases go down in that magical thirty minutes:

1. Space
2. Open Concept floor plan
3. The ubiquitous closet joke (Haha…where will your clothes go?)
4. Man cave
5. That carpet has to go.
6. The neighbors are just too close.
7. Stainless steel appliances
8. Move-in ready
9. We came for the ocean view.
10. Hardwood floors

Two drink situations:

1. The couple who wanted historic charm and character buys a new construction McMansion.
2. The real estate agent clearly rolls his/her eyes at the stupidity of the couple.
3. The couple factors their dogs’ needs and wants into home buying (i.e., I LOVE this house, but I’m pretty sure Fluffy wouldn’t like the carpet on the staircase)
4. The couple factors the need to store some giant off-the-wall collection into their new home (i.e., This is a great house, but I’ma need at least 1500 square feet for my wine collection and she needs another 800 square feet for the ceramic figurines that come to life in the middle of the night.)
5. The couple moves “to the beach” but they really buy a house that could be in any suburb in America that is somewhat near the beach.

This post was originally posted on Carrie On, Y’all. 

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About the Author

Three years ago, Carrie Tinsley “retired” from teaching high school English and decided to stay home to heat chicken nuggets, occasionally fold laundry, and become the world’s worst housekeeper. Though she can’t be trusted with paint or scissors, Carrie gets her three kids where they need to be on most days. She loves audio books, alcohol, and writing sometimes-sweet/sometimes-sassy posts on parenting, teaching, and other fun stuff at Carrie On Y’all. You can also follow her on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.