Thinking about maybe having a baby? Awesome! Just know that having a pet is NOTHING like having a kid, so if you’re one of those people who thought getting a puppy would prepare you for the demands of raising a child, you couldn’t have been further off. There are some things about kids no other creature on Earth can prepare you for. Things like how freakishly annoying they can be, for one.
Seriously. I’m sonotevenkiddingrightnow.
Unsure whether you’re ready for the real deal? Check out these 10 annoying things about kids to help you decide. If you can imagine living through all this DAY IN AND DAY OUT (Because it never stops. Ever.), I’d say it’s go time.
1. They’re sticky. All the time. They’re practically never not sticky, including immediately following a bath or shower. Somehow they’re still sticky, even then.
2. They never stop asking questions. They ask how old you are and then want to know why. When you explain it’s because you were born in 1980, they want to know why. When you explain it’s because that’s when your parents had you, they want to know why. They want to know why the sun is yellow, why the moon is not yellow, why the TV is on, why the TV is not on, why the outside of their bodies have skin, why the inside of their bodies don’t have skin, and why they’re always asking why. They’re never satisfied with your answers. Ever. So there’s no stopping it. Ever.
3. They’re always there. When you’re taking a shower. When you’re paying the bills. When you need to take a crap. They’re there, 2 inches from your face, staring at and creeping you out in the middle of the night, and they’re there, 2 inches from your face, staring at you and destroying your ability to sleep at the crack of dawn. They accompany you when you’re doing laundry, feeding the dogs, washing the dishes, and vacuuming the carpet, clutching your clothing and dangling from every appendage. Privacy simply is not a thing when you have kids. Essentially, they want to wear your skin round the clock.
4. They never listen. They don’t listen when you tell them to pick up their toys. They don’t listen when you tell them to get ready for bed. They don’t listen even when they do listen. Listening and kids don’t mix.
5. They’re loud. They screech, scream, shriek, wail, and shout — all the time and for no good reason. And when you tell them to stop, they don’t listen. See #4.
6. They’re always whining. They whine that they want to do something, that they don’t want to do something, that their sibling is doing something, that their sibling is not doing something. Always with the whining. It’s as if their little voices are incapable of saying anything without saying it in a whiny tone.
7. They’re perpetually covered in snot. I don’t know if they simply can’t feel it running down their mugs or if they not-so-secretly relish the feeling that boogery goo plastered across the face provides, but sweet Jesus, it’s everywhere. They single handedly keep the tissue industry in business.
8. They’re filthy. It doesn’t matter if it’s dirt, grass, food, or body fluid, it’s all over them, which means it’s also all over you, your walls, your carpet, and your furniture, and no amount of Spray ‘n Wash or Magic Eraser can make that shit go away.
9. They’re the kings and queens of inconsistency. One day they like spaghetti, the next they don’t. They say they want to wear the red pajamas, but the second you get them out, they scream for the green ones. They like veggies, they hate veggies. They like fruit, they hate fruit. They like to ride their bikes, they hate to ride their bikes. Rest assured, no matter what you think you know and no matter what you do, it’s wrong. Today anyway. Tomorrow is a whole different story.
10. They’re like drunk fraternity members. They stumble around, spill shit, slur their words, and knock everything down. They take their pants off in the middle of the living room and fall asleep in the bathtub. They’re obsessed with their private parts and take every opportunity to tell company the intimate details of your most embarrassing moments. They hit the bottle hard and keep you up at all hours of the night, and worst of all, they’re up and ready to do it all over again the next day.
Sound like your cup of tea? Even if it doesn’t, there’s one more thing you should know. Despite all their annoying tendencies, we parents wouldn’t change a thing. I’ll happily sit on my food-and-dirt-covered couch whilst my kids shriek and ignore my demands not to moon the neighbors through the picture window any day if it means I get to smother their sweet, snot-covered faces with kisses another time.
Because the truth is, annoying or not, kids are the best. And that’s really one of the only things you need to consider before having one.