I try my best not to judge other moms. I really do.
You want to let your son wear princess pajamas and a tutu to the grocery store? No problem.
You want to homeschool your child because you are afraid of the influences of public school? Right on. More power to you.
You want to spend all night making gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free cake pops decorated like snowmen for Preston’s second-grade holiday party? Awesome. I’d even eat one. Mine might resemble Renee Zellweger’s constipated, just-sucked-on-a-lemon face, but I would eat it. And say thank-you.
But there are some parenting practices that I just can’t stand.
Parents who smoke around their kids. Come on! We have had years and years of education about how bad second hand smoke is and how we will give our kids asthma and cancer if they inhale a whisper of cigarette smoke. Put it out. I might be able to endorse a glass of wine or two for the purposes of self-medication, but never smoking.
Parents who monogram all nursery paraphernalia. Maybe a keepsake or two is reasonable. A special outfit for going home from the nursery, or maybe a Pinterest-worthy craft of painted and distressed letters to hang on the wall. Monogramming can get out of hand quickly, though. I’ve seen nurseries with little Rhett’s name embroidered on blankets, bibs, burp cloths, diaper bags, curtains, pillowcases, and sheets. That child is an easy target for stranger danger. Just read his backpack and he thinks you know him. Ugh.
Putting toddlers in hoochie clothes. I have a hard enough time with tweens wearing mini-skirts, but I can’t handle seeing a toddler in a halter top, hot pants, and strappy sandals with wedges. My eyes fall out of my head when I see a baby dressed like a streetwalker. Really? Someone’s mother thought it was a good idea to sexualize their tiny human? And a sequined monogram across the ass? Stop.
Obese toddlers. I know there are children with legit reasons to be overweight. Those who have medical conditions or…actually, I can’t think of another reason. Just medical conditions. A three-year-old shouldn’t subsist on fast food, soda, and Lucky Charms. Or tatertot casserole.
Soda via a nipple. Direct cause of obese toddlers. Do you know what I saw at the park the other day? A mother filled her child’s bottle from her 72 oz. Bug Gulp. Yes. With Coke. Maybe it was diet. Who knows?
Five-year-olds with pacifiers. I will admit I don’t see this very often, but every now and then I catch a glimpse of a big kid with a binky. I want to run over to that child and just snatch it away and crush it under my foot. The binky, not the kid.
Moms who give their kids trendy names. Naveh. Jynifer. Arian. Legend. Yes, Legend. Ugh. I just feel bad for the grown-up versions of these kids.
Parents who dress their dogs better than their kids. You put hoochie clothes on your little girl but dress your teacup Pomeranian in a Ralph Lauren polo and a Burberry scarf? Priorities, people!
Parents who avoid gender-specific toys. When my son was two, we bought him a cabbage patch doll. We made an effort to make sure he had a choice of toys that didn’t define his gender. But not offering ANY gender specific toys seems…I dunno…radical? I have friends who only buy wooden hand-painted educational toys or gender-neutral dress-up clothes for fear of influencing little Jamie’s sexuality. Because he/she shouldn’t be defined by society. Instead, a large segment of society laughs at his/her parents. And blesses his/her heart.
Parents who purchase Bratz. Those dolls look like hos. Not only do the girl Bratz wear skimpy tramp clothes, but you can also buy party houses so they have a place to get it on with the boy Bratz. And I don’t have time to clean all the make-up off, hand paint a wholesome face, and whip up a jean skirt and knitted sweater. Lovely and honest, but who has time for that? Nope. Gonna stick with Cabbage Patch.
I won’t judge you if you go have a glass of wine to celebrate what a good parent you are. But don’t light up a smoke unless you want to earn my stink eye.