Having a child is a tough job. You know, the whole getting pregnant, staying pregnant, morning sickness, weight gain and birthing experiences are quite taxing on a woman.

Well, we ain’t seen nothing yet.

Once that baby is out and you’re responsible for feeding it, bathing it, and clothing it, it’s like you need four arms just to make sure you both stay alive. But what about when they start speaking? And yes, I’ll acknowledge the sweet “I love you” we get here and there; again, so sweet. But what I’m really talking about are the sass-a-frass mouth-offs your first grader is giving you and now teaching your toddler.

While the rug is being pulled out from under us, and the kids go to town on the verbal abuse, we, as mothers are scrambling to get our shit together and plot damage control. In doing so, we tend to make a few excuses on our way to figuring it all out. We just hope it’s not too late by the time we do.

Here are a few excuses (for the less than acceptable behavior) I’ve heard myself tell over the years in order to save my kid’s image. Oh, and mine.

1. “He’s Tired.”

But he refuses to go to sleep. I, on the other hand am exhausted! Can I volunteer to catch some Z’s for him?

2. “He just woke up.”

From a three-hour nap, and if that were me, I’d be dancing on the ceiling in excitement.

3. “He’s going through a transition/phase.”

I told him “no” today more than the allotted times allowed by his standards, and now he’s making me pay.

4. “He’s hungry.”

He wants candy for dinner and is pissed off that I’m not giving in, but I’m entertaining the idea.

5. “He’s had a rough day.”

He’s been hand fed his breakfast, played in a cardboard box all morning, hand fed his lunch, napped for 3 hours and is currently watching Mickey Mouse Club House while I hand feed him a snack. Yea, it’s been really rough!

6. “He had a rough night.”

He started the night in his own bed, then wouldn’t go back to sleep until he came to my bed. Then proceeded to kick and slap me while I sweated my way through the next 6 hours of what felt like Fight Night capped off by suffocation; super rough for him. Me on the other hand, I’m totally fine. Don’t worry about me.

7. “I think he’s coming down with something.”

I have no idea why he’s behaving like a wild beast. But since his nose is running from the last meltdown he just had, we’ll tell people he’s getting sick.

8. “He just got over something.”

I just got done nursing him back to health for the last 2 days, which involved sleepless nights and sneezes to the face. So he’s cranky. But I’m doing great!

9. “Gotta love the terrible twos.”

So why are they called the terrible two’s when it’s been going on since the terrible one and a half’s? I’ve got nothing.

10. “Gotta love the terrible threes; that’s a thing, right?”

In other words, I’m clueless as to why my child is acting like a drunken, erratic, mental patient. It couldn’t be because he’s a spoiled brat. I don’t raise those.

The funny thing is, apparently it does get better. It’s been wonderful to have all of the support from the parents who have told me that “it’s normal,” and that I’ll “miss this time.” It’s been great knowing that I’ll eventually get some relief from making excuses and lying profusely to people about why my child is behaving like the most ungrateful, spoiled, monster that ever walked the earth.

Maybe it’s just an act.

Or a gift!

Maybe he’s just really dramatic and will be the next Leonardo DiCaprio!

If that’s the case, I’m in for a large paycheck.

Leo loves his mom.

Ugh, did I just make another excuse?

© 2015 Alison Chrun as first published on Scary Mommy

Alison Chrun is a wife and mother of two boys who is receiving her M.A. in Marriage and Family Therapy. She is the author at Appetite for Honesty where she writes about self-development, relationships and the highs and lows of parenting. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.