By Kristina Johnson of thatmommylady.com and Crystal Lowery of Creepy Ginger Kid
You already know that Donald Trump is going to build a wall across the border with Mexico — and that he’s going to force Mexico to pay for it. But his plans for our southern neighbor don’t stop there. Here’s what else is on the agenda:
Mexico must pay off the student loans of Trump University alumni who are still unemployed due to their sham degrees.
Mexico must air Trump’s new Spanish-language reality show, “El Aprendiz.”
Trump will deport Dora the Explorer, Rosita from Sesame Street, and Diego. Mexico will be forced to grant them political asylum.
He will require agave farmers in Mexico to supply tequila for frozen margaritas with which he intends to replace slurpees in all 7/11 machines.
Mexico must stop sending us its drug dealers and murderers and start sending us its soccer and baseball players.
Trump will force Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau to undergo nose augmentation and laser hair removal on their heads because they are too damn handsome.
Mexico must confiscate all Donald Trump piñatas. People who have been forced to turn theirs in may choose from a selection of Hillary Clinton, Rosie O’Donnell, and Megyn Kelly piñatas.
Trump will force Mexico to hold the Real Housewives of Orange County captive next time they visit a resort in Puerto Vallarta, where they will remain indefinitely.
Mexico will also detain 40-year-old youth pastors who wear skinny jeans when they are in Guadalajara on short-term mission trips.
Mexico must change its name to “Old Mexico” and its official tourism slogan to “New Mexico is much, much nicer.”
Every douchebag frat guy entering Tijuana on spring break will be forced to lay bricks for the border wall until the words “dude” and “broseph” are cleansed from their vocabulary.
Trump will force Mexico to give us all of their secret recipes for guacamole.
Mexico will be required to serve Trump Tower taco bowls at all State dinners.
Mexico must pay to place authentic Mexican taco trucks in all Taco Bell parking lots for people who don’t want diarrhea.
He will force Mexico to declare war on Canada to punish them for making Justin Bieber, Michael Buble, Celine Dion, and Caillou.
Mexico must apologize to American film directors for stealing their Oscars three years in a row.
Mexico must appoint Salma Hayek’s boobs its ambassadors to the U.S.
If the Mexican beer Dos Equis wishes to continue running its “Most Interesting Man in the World” commercials, they must now star Trump.
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About the Authors
Kristina Johnson is a new mom, writer, and TV producer living in New York City. She loves her daughter deeply but can admit that she wouldn’t mind if babies came with an off-switch. Her interests include books, Netflix, and coming up with snarky responses to people who ask when she’s having baby #2. She blogs regularly at thatmommylady.com.
Crystal Lowery is an American mom working in England. By day, she does medical research, by night she wrangles two small children, a boy and a girl. She has made millions laugh on The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Sammiches & Psych Meds, In the Powder Room, Mumsnet and others. You can find her blogging at Creepy Ginger Kid and she’d love for you to follow her on Facebook.