Dear Neighbors,

You might know me, you might not. I’m pretty out and about in our “community.” I hibernate during winter, but when the weather breaks, I’m outside every chance I get with my children. I visit with all neighbors because our children are going to play together. I want to know what type of parent you are. I want to know how you discipline your children, if at all. Honestly, I don’t give a shit if you like me or not. I’m nice and respectful as long as you are in return. I make an honest effort to be nice to everyone’s hell-raisers.

When the weather is nice ,you’ll find me outside close to the park where my children are visible. If I cannot see them, I’m searching for them. My little undomesticated humans are respectful most of the time. Some neighbors work nights, and I try to keep them from waking anyone.

Yeah, my spawn are assholes sometimes. I know this. I make sure to deal with them as soon as I know there is an issue. I’m present for all outdoor play. Whenever my children are misbehaving, I’m there to discipline them as soon as it’s brought to my attention.

Last summer, I noticed your absence. Many offspring are left unattended outside, yet our lease clearly states any child under eleven needs supervision. My ass is out there, so where the hell are you? Oh, right, you’re in your air-conditioned apartment watching shitty television while your child is out here throwing wood chips at kids.

I know most of the children, and they know me. If you aren’t out here, I’m going to get after your child, though I shouldn’t have to, nor do I want to. I am not the community babysitter; I don’t want to watch your spawn. If you want me to, you need to pay me.

I’m not the only parent sick of you sitting on your lazy ass doing nothing while your urchin run amok. When your spawn tattles on responsible adults, you come out guns blazing, ready to argue and fight. There are more than one set of eyes watching the shenanigans, yet you want to argue about whether your child is capable of such bad behavior.

Grow up.

You gave birth to or helped create the ankle-biter. Get off your lazy ass and do something with them! Wait…. no, you don’t even have to get off your lazy rump, just bring it and a chair outside. I’m sure that would be a change welcomed by your crotch fruit.

Personally, I’m tired of your life suckers having no supervision. You are part of the reason I hate people. Trying to keep eyes on fifteen or more screaming adolescents is comparable to herding ants.

Apartment Complex Drama: so pointless there is no analogy for it. Nothing quite compares to you screaming from your porch, threatening to call the police. Yet you have no real facts about the incident, other than what your child has stated. Thanks, though; we all wanted to see your face turn purple. Our dream for the day. You might want to check your blood pressure.

I’m aiming this post at you whose wife leaves home while you nap on the couch, Sleeping Beauty. You don’t notice your eighteen-month-old or two-year-old running around in the parking lot by themselves. You didn’t hear the squealing tires pulling into the parking lot. You said, “Oh, that’s not good” when told your BABIES were almost hit by a car because we couldn’t catch them. I wonder if you told your wife about the incident. You should be ashamed and afraid.

Your seven-year-old spends most of his days outside by himself showing me how little you care. Did you hear him when he called one of the neighbors ugly? The neighbor that suffered third-degree burns protecting their child who slipped the baby gate and pulled the deep fryer from the counter. Yes, he called her ugly. We all gasped when the words fell from his mouth. You weren’t outside to hear or see it. How shitty. I doubt you would have punished him anyway. I don’t like to judge people, but you royally piss me off. Your lack of parenting abilities is appalling to everyone living here.

At seven, your son runs around our complex, asking for food and drink because he doesn’t want to go home. I understand having young ones to look after, but how hard is it to bring them outside, too? How hard is it to ASK someone to keep an eye out? I’d be less pissed off if asked. I’d be less pissed if you checked on your heathen even once! I’m not sure how you don’t hear him wailing like a banshee.

The unsupervised larvae make me want to sit on my ass in my home. I don’t want to discipline every crotch fruit running around. So lazy, shitty neighbors, be a parent. Stop letting everyone else raise your children for you. We aren’t going to want to help them when other children hurt them; we aren’t going to want to give them treats when it’s hot out. We are going to want to send them home so our children can play.

And we are not going to last another summer looking after your children for you.

Signed,

The Rest of the Neighborhood