Cupid’s balls, y’all, Gwyneth Paltrow, our favorite celebrity eccentric, has released four Valentine’s Day gift guides this year (For Guys, For Women, For Couples, and Solo Yolo) on her website, goop, and it is too good not to make fun of. We love you, Gwyneth, but why you always want us to put foreign objects in and around our vajays?

If you need a gift guide for overpriced shit you can buy for people you hate, this is it, guys. Or if you’ve decided Valentine’s Day will be the one day this year you’ll allow your spouse to do the sex with your steamed vagina, but not before you engage in an hour of foreplay that will kill a boner like Jean Claude Van Damme punching a snake.

1. SEX DUST SACHET BOX

$20

Sex Dust™ is a lusty edible formula alchemized to ignite and excite sexy energy in and out of the bedroom.

Add one sachet to 8oz of any hot or cold liquid—it’s especially good with nut milk, water, or tea.

10 individual sachets

Fuck the moon. I like to grind that shit up and drink it in my morning tea. If you don’t like nut milk, I probably have a recipe for vag milk somewhere on this website. Because goop, motherfudgers.

2. LOVE IS ART COUPLE’S PAINT KIT

$70.00

The key to this body-painting kit—by which we mean painting a canvas using your and your partner’s bodies—is stripping down first. Includes organic, non-toxic gold and black paint, a specially treated cotton canvas (3.5’ x 4.5’), a plastic drop cloth (10’ x 17’) to protect your surface from paint splashes, two pairs of disposable slippers (so no tracking paint footprints off the canvas), and a soft mesh body scrubber for cleanup.

Kick it up a notch by doing this without using your hands. If you’re a true gooper, then your vagina has a six pack and can crush unopened soda cans when you kegel. Stick a tube of paint inside of your cooter and squeeze paint all over your partner. Or, you could kegel-paint a canvas to have an edgy art piece to hang above your mantle. You could call it finger blasting instead of finger painting.

3. Oyster Plate

$112.00

Modeled after the traditional paper plates, this handmade ceramic piece makes unique, adorable serveware for the ultimate, luxurious aphrodisiac. It’s also dishwasher- and microwave-safe.

Porcelain finish
Length: 9.25″; Width: 9.5″;  Height: 1″

What in the shit is this? Not only do I have to pay more than a hundred dollars for something so fancy it’s “modeled after traditional paper plates,” this handmade fuckery makes it to where I have to forage for oysters that fit perfectly inside each of these slots. Is this thing shatter-proof as well? Because right now I want to break it up into shards and stab my eyeballs out.

4. Lace Bunny Ears

 

$125.00

As far as flirtatious costumes go, these lace bunny ears are the greatest—simple, luxurious, decadent, and perfect for roleplay (or just straight-up sexy accessorizing).

Band: silk; Ears: French leavers lace

One day I was trying to think of what I could do in bed to just really put my husband over the edge and I was like, “I bet he’d really like to fuck a bunny. But not a regular bunny, a sexy bunny. In lingerie.” And then I found this pair of $125 lace panty liners on a thin wire that will shank the sides of my skull slowly.

5. Convivio Ceramic Rectangle Tray

 

$295.00

From ferrying breakfast in bed to champagne for a serious party, this sleek ceramic tray is classic and elegant. We love it for pretty much any meal or occasion.

75% Italian ceramic, 25% Italian pewter
Length: 14.6″; Width: 9.5″
Made in Italy

I love the uppity verbiage in this: “ferrying breakfast in bed.” Instead of explaining the purpose of this item, it raises a lot of questions and concerns, like, “Is there water involved?” “Why is there water in my house?” “Do I need to add breakfast ferrying to my homeowner’s insurance?” “Will both my spouse and I fit on the armoire in case we have to use it as a floatation device?” You know what else could be described as sleek ceramic? The lid to your gotdamn toilet bowl, which this is obviously modeled after.

6. Loulou Heart Hipsters

 

$48.00

These are silky and super-comfortable for everyday—bonus points if you’re rocking them with a tee.

Main: 90% nylon, 10% lycra; Net: 88% nylon, 12% spandex
Hand wash, hang to dry
Model is 5’8″ with 32″ bust, 24″ waist, 34″ hips and wearing a size small

What in the fresh, flesh-toned hell…

Oh, look! It’s the “sexy” version of the post-labor mesh underwear they give you at the hospital. Love the see-through panel that will make your vagina look like a heart-silhouetted front butt.

7.  Lover’s Card Set

 

$165.00

This exclusive-to-goop card set is the grown-up version of the valentines you used to pass out at school: Much more sophisticated, they’re nonetheless pulls-your-heartstrings perfect for expressing how you feel.

Made exclusively for goop.

Paper
Hand illustrated
Width: 3.38″; Length: 4.38″

Well, would you look at this $165 box of regret? Where’s the picture hand-illustrating a woman weeping, alone, into her moon dust and nut milk tea over the slow demise of her sex life? The perfect gift and symbolic representation for when your relationship is boring, flimsy, and on the brink of collapse. At least now you have a deck of cards to play with as you await the sweet embrace of death, alone, surrounded by your family of cats who will eat your remains.

8. Handmade Rosé Napkin Set

 

$160.00

Please allow 1-2 weeks for shipping.

This cocktail napkin set is a chic statement for any party. The hand-embroidered details are subtly gorgeous and so elegant, you’ll keep these forever.

100% linen, hand embroidery
Width: 6″; Height: 9″
Set of 4
Dry clean

Just to clear up any questions over exactly how douchey you are, hand your guests a gold dingle-berry lined cloth napkin with their rosé. LIKE A TOTAL DOUCHE. As if these napkins weren’t obnoxious already, they require dry cleaning. If I ever buy napkins that require dry cleaning, pour some chloroform on one of them and hold it over my nose, please. For the exceedingly rich, you could also use these to wipe your ass. The little knots on the edge delightfully invigorate your turd cutter.

9. Resin Tray With Leather Handles

 

$335.00

Handmade in San Francisco beginning to end, this 100% food-safe, BPA-free resin this spacious tray can carry all the essentials—bottles, bowls, utensils—all in one shot, thanks in no small part to the sturdy leather handles.

Food safe, BPA & lead-free resin
Hand washing recommended
2.75 x 21.5 x 14 inches
Made in the USA

What’s the difference between a regular goop tray and a goop tray with leather handles? About $40. But what do you fucking care? You order things from goop and obviously piss top-shelf excellence. This spacious tray can carry all the essentials, like your brain, which is apparently absent from inside of your skull, because you make poor life choices, like spending $300 on a bunch of bullshit. You could use this to “ferry” your stupid rosé napkin set to the stupid dry cleaners because you’re god-awful.

10. Ethel White Diamond Star Ring

 

$5,250.00

Made to order. Please allow 3-4 weeks for shipping.

This ring is fancy, yet unexpected thanks to its statement-making diamond-encrusted 18k gold sphere. It’s not too over-the-top for everyday, and just fancy enough for formal situations.

18K yellow gold, white diamonds, white enamel
Made in USA

Want a $5,000 bauble that doubles as a discreet little butt plug when you’re bored at parties? Then thank heavens for this gold and diamond sphere ring. The best part about this ring is that, while it’s “fancy enough for formal situations,” it’s not too over-the-top for bukkake, and will even camouflage any rogue fluids that may land on it.

Also included in Gwyneth’s V-Day gift guide are the famous vag eggs, which are sadly sold out.

Have a very goopy Valentine’s Day!