The sanctimonious walk among us. They go by many different labels: know-it-alls, judgy mcjudgersons, mombies, or Alicia Silverstone. They are a threat to humanity no matter how you refer to them. They are the plague of the human race.

The lucky victims of their sanctimony are hit hard and fast, but they come away from this contact rather unscathed. Angry at being sermonized? Sure. Angry at the (often) uninitiated commentary from the ghoulish, opinionated “expert” who casually offers testimony about how every decision they are making as a parent is a failure? Definitely. But mostly unchanged.

The unlucky victims of the sanctimonious, however, walk away changed forever. They transform from lively, confident mothers to shuffling, subhuman beasts of people who mindlessly pass on the same rants that turned them. They go about, attempting to infect all others in their vicinity.

It’s not their fault, really. They didn’t ask to be changed in this way. Nevertheless, your allegiance to these people — the ones you used to know before their metamorphoses — could hurt you. You must understand that they are no longer the people you once loved. The freshly-turned mombie is the most dangerous for those reasons.

Continued existence is the best you can hope for during this war. Many have tried to defeat the sanctimommy, but how can you defeat something that has no concept of humanity? This post will not teach you how to hunt sanctiparents (Why pick on just moms? We know there are dads, too).  This post (should I finish it before being overtaken) is a survival guide.

Let’s dig into the science.

Causes

We believe this condition to be caused by a virus. We are referring to the virus known as Momorrhea. It is a highly communicable disease. So communicable, in fact, that it has been known to pass through the WWW (the world wide webs) as well as through the ear canals.

Symptoms

Hours 1-2: Victims experience pain in the ears or head as the infected person fights to remember that they aren’t a doctor or a professional.

Hours 3-6: They contract amnesia. They no longer believe that they are not professionals. In fact, they believe quite the opposite.

Hours 7-9: These are the saddest hours. The mombie is reanimated much like before, but with a slight change. She may have a new opinion on organic food or co-sleeping. She attempts to wedge this topic into every conversation and every exchange around her.

How Contagious is Momorrhea? It is 100 percent contagious, but some people seem to have a natural antibody against bullshit-spewing mombies. The problem is being able to isolate that antibody and introduce it to the masses.

Though this virus is contagious, it only seems to affect the human species.

Treatment

There is no known treatment. Once infection has occurred, the relationship with the mombie must be severed for the sanity of all.

Outbreaks

Outbreaks are most common on the coasts, but they can occur anywhere. The most populated areas are at the highest risk. That doesn’t mean you are safe if you live in America’s warm, cozy heartland, however.

Listen at PTA meetings, school pickups, and sports outings for the voice that carries. Watch your friends closely to see if they seem to be unusually bothered when you parent differently than the ways they deem appropriate.

You can survive this, but only if you use these tips to catch it early. Once the outbreak starts in your area, you will need to mobilize. And fast.

God speed, and may you forever remain unturned.