Life Parenting

Working Mothers, Get on the Fast Track NOW!

Working Mothers, Get on the Fast Track NOW!

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Working mothers, listen up! You do NOT want to run the risk that your employer looks at you as a corporate-ladder-climber with a lot of potential – that only leads to bigger paychecks and longer titles.

Instead, you want to fast track it to stereotypical “working mommy” status as soon as possible. It is important that you get bypassed for promotions, recognition and other corporate celebrations. After all, once you are a working mother, there is simply no turning back. You get to pee alone and eat your lunch in peace and quiet. That should be good enough.

Follow my proven 15 step program to let everyone know that you are a mom first and foremost, and you will be on the fast track to being branded the token “working mommy” in no time.

1. Bring PB&J sandwiches for lunch – on white bread with the crust cut off.

2. Carry documents into a meeting in a LEGO Chima folder.

3. Sign your name with a purple crayon that you pulled out of your purse (along with a pack of baby wipes, two diapers, a ziplock bag with crumbled goldfish, a bouncy ball, a hairy pacifier and an old Dora toothbrush).

4. Wear suits with snot wiped on your left shoulder and at knee-height on your slacks.

5. Decorate your work space with more pictures of your kids than the resident cat-lady has of her cats. A life-size image of your preschooler traced onto 5 pieces of construction paper taped on the back of your cubicle wall is a clear ace in the hole.

6. At the office pot-luck lunch bring in dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets and mac & cheese stored in your nicest LEGO storage bricks.

7. Ask for a place where you can pump three times a day as soon as you meet your new manager.

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8. Take personal calls at your desk and speak loudly about head lice, diarrhea, pink eye and vomit. You may choose to take one call an hour about each of these topics, or discuss them all at the same time – either method is sure to hammer the point home that you have germ-infested children.

9. Wear your nicest macaroni and yarn necklace. Make sure it either matches your outfit or the upcoming holiday season.

10. While you are working and deep in thought, sing the theme song to either Bubble Guppies or Peppa Pig.

11. Put three doctors appointments on the calendar within a few days of each other – you know you will need them.

12. Insist on driving a group of coworkers to lunch. Have them all squeeze in around your many car seats.

13. Show up late with tears in your eyes and just mumble “separation anxiety is at its peek right now,” or “I pulled an all-nighter. Getting molars sure is painful.”

14. Whenever someone in your office starts to talk about their kid, be sure to say, “OMG, my baby did the exact same thing, just a few months earlier.”

15. Be sure to pass on all business travel because your toddler still nurses and co-sleeps, so being away overnight is just not possible.

Once you have completed all of these tasks, you will officially have been removed from all advancement discussions and permanently placed on the “she will ask to work part time soon” list.

Personally, I am breathing a sigh of relief knowing that with four kids at home and a full time job at the office, I can enjoy my lunches in peace and quiet – and I pee alone all day long. What more could a working mother ask for?