I constantly have people telling me to not allow my ex to bother me. “Don’t let him get to you,” they say. Everyone wants to tell me how much I should or should not care about our marital bonds being dissolved.
Yes, I am in a new relationship and moving on. I’m very happy with Briggs. He’s the best thing to ever happen to me, but being happy with him doesn’t mean I’m not still angry with my soon-to-be ex-husband. I’m told this is a sign of still having feelings for my ex. So what if I do?
Is it really so horrible to still care about a man who was a part of my everyday life for nine years? Just because I do still care doesn’t change my love for Briggs. It simply means I still need time to heal and let go of all the negative from my marriage.
For nine years I lived with a man. I spent every waking hour trying to make him happy, even at the cost of my own personal happiness. I gave up friends and family to support my husband. I’m still trying to mend the broken relationships. I raised his son and my son together as brothers. If I didn’t care, I’d probably be a bigger bitch than he claims I am.
I can’t “just get over” nine years. There were good moments and bad, cheating and abuse. Nine years of the same person occupying my personal space. Nine years of intimacy. I’d have to be heartless to not allow any of those moments to touch my soul. My marriage changed who I am as a person. I’m working my way back to shitting rainbows, but nine years of living a certain way is hard to let go of.
I’m angry at my ex. So angry. Whenever I see him, I want to scream and yell. I want to hurt him as badly as he hurt me. I also want to see if there is a trace of the man I vowed to love “until death do we part.” I never wanted a divorce. I wanted the sanctity of marriage in my life. I wanted the man I married to be the man I spent the rest of my life with. Just letting go isn’t easy.
Briggs may see the woman I can be, but he can also see the woman I have been for the last nine years. Some men and women easily let go of horrible marriages and horrible relationships. For some reason, I can’t let go of the anger. I can’t see past the hurt caused in my marriage. I wish there were a fix-it button to close this deep wound on my heart, but I’m forced to wake up every day and fight for my happiness. I fight to cut the ropes of pain surrounding my heart. I fight to remain open to the possibility of happily ever after.
There are a lot of “what if” and “I wish I could have” moments. It will be a long time before I’m able to “just get over it.” For now, I’m going to watch The Notebook and remind myself why I keep fighting.