I have a dear friend. Perhaps I must say that I had a dear friend. At this point I know not.
I may never know how my cell phone, which was laying on my coffee table, turned on and dialed Jan. Jan then heard a lengthy conversation that I was having with a different friend. Need I tell you that conversation was my apparent ridicule of Jan?
Unable to recall what I had said that was belittling to this woman that I adore, I heard through social media that this occurred. Jan then sent me a text: “Words hurt.”
Pain pounded in my heart as my nausea grew. Dear God, did I really scar this wonderful woman. Did I really say hateful things when in my heart I love her to pieces?
I have been obsessing about this for the past four days. Four days ago, you see, I was a bitch. One might say, as an example, “I don’t care for that dress on you.” One might also say, “You look awful in that dress; how could you even consider wearing it?” I had expressed myself in the latter form, I assume.
Jan is having issues, and she had trusted me with them. Trust, of course, is the key to this horrid mess. Can she ever trust me again to be her soul mate, her confidant? Taking those confusing and heartbreaking issues to another was my sin. Sin? Indeed.
Jan may forgive me, yet she will never forget. How could she? If the roles were reversed, how would I feel, and what would I think of her? “She’s a two-timing bitch,” I conclude.
You see, I don’t want that moniker as I generally pride myself on being a caring and compassionate woman. Where was my mind set on that day? Was I particularly crabby or angry that I must carry my own heavy plate? Excuses? Nothing but rationalizing my horrible behavior are they. Making excuses to Jan would only further demean her as she knows that excuses are the words of the guilty.
I found and sent a card that succinctly says all the above. I texted her a quote by Maya Angelou: “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” Whether either will make a difference will be left to find out.
There is a deep, black hole in my heart…the kind that comes when it is broken.