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On July 6, 2012 I had a deep conversation with my then two-year-old. The conversation topic was tickling butts. The stance: We don’t tickle people on their butts (You are very welcome world.)
This was a surprisingly difficult concept for her, but maybe it’s the way I explained it. I hadn’t really prepared a speech or a PowerPoint about the topic. I am prepared for lying, drugs, and chewing with mouth open. I stupidly hadn’t considered rumpus tickling would be an issue.
Conversations like this have left me amazed that the world has not been overtaken by people tickling bums (as in behinds). Not to be confused with people tickling hobos. That will probably be our next conversation. I’m not sure if I am for or against the tickling of hobos. I better take some time to carefully consider the impact.
In the years following we have had many, many more questions to answer. Also another little girl added to the mix.
Here is a list of my favorite questions and answers. If you are a new parent, please take note and have reactions/responses ready for your own curious spawn. They love to catch you off guard. They count on your inability to think on your feet. Read these real life examples and before you continue to my responses, think of how you would handle them. Don’t be too hard on yourself if your answers aren’t up to par yet. If your answers are better than mine, well, just keep that to yourself.
“Where are my diamonds?”
This question came from my two-year-old daughter. To my knowledge she has never had diamonds and frankly if she had- I believe she would have eaten them. Because two-year-old.
Instead of risking offending her with the above, I did the next logical thing: requested everyone I know to turn in their diamonds to appease my child. No one complied, but it was the right thing to do, and in the meantime I was able to tell her that I had reached out to friends and begun a search party.
“Do you really want me to turn into a mean stepsister, Mom?”
This occurred when trying to get four-year-old to go to sleep. This is awkward because I am married just the one time to her father and conversely him to me. My response went something like, “I’m pretty sure legal action is required on my or your father’s part before stepsisterdom occurs. Therefore, no worries, and get thee to sleep.”
“How are you ever going to get adopted, Mama? You are too old.”
This occurred right before the holidays. My then three-year-old asked me this. At the time I was unaware that my parents were looking into this option. I assumed that they were waiting until after the holidays to break it to me.
I let her know that I “am just grateful for what could be my last weekend with my family because I am old, so so old and unadoptable. Let’s just get through the holidays before we look more into the adoption thing.”
I will always remember my oldest (age five) and I riding in the car. The song “Run to You” by Lady Antebellum came on the radio. She proudly announced that when she was singing the line “Run to You,” she was pointing at me from the backseat. I hope to always be the person they point at and run to for the answers to questions.
The important questions… the hobo-tickling, hard-hitting ones.[/nextpage]