By Richard Black of The Unfit Father

Hello, my name is Richard Black. I’m running for President, and I’d like your help in making America pretty good again.

I’m also running because I’ve got a lot of time on my hands, which really can’t be said for my opponents. My good friend Hillary Clinton has a potential federal indictment to worry about, and my less good friend Donald Trump has a financial empire to run into another bankruptcy. I, however, have none of these concerns and nothing but time to devote to you, my good looking and above average voters.

Now that the two main parties have named their front runners, I’d like to give the rest of us a choice. Our nation was founded upon choice. The choice to not pay taxes, the choice to have an abortion, the choice to wave tiny little American flags instead of having an abortion — these are all choices. I, for one, believe that choices are part of what made our country pretty good to begin with.

Unfortunately, third party candidates don’t often win elections, which I firmly believe is a marketing problem. Claiming to run as a third party sounds defeatist. Who, after all, would vote for a third party candidate when they could vote for a first party candidate? It is with this thought that I’ve decided to declare myself as a First Party candidate. One, after all, is better than three, aside from orgasms, of course. If I’m elected President, the first thing I intend to do is to make sure that everyone has lots and lots of orgasms.

As a First Party candidate and one who refuses to affiliate with either the Democrats or the Republicans, my chances may seem slim, but that’s only due to the misleading nature of statistics. Many years ago my good friend Sam Clemens once said that there are three kinds of lies. Lies, damnable lies and statistics. There’s 100% truth in that quote. I should know because I’m a student of truth.

Sam is dead now and he has been for some time. His unfortunate condition, I feel compelled to mention, does not make him any less than a friend. I like dead people. I’m a champion for dead people and their rights, particularly the ones in Chicago who like to get out from time to time and vote.

Statistics, my friends, are deceptive. At the moment, 80% of our pretty good country is beholden to either the Democratic or the Republican party. On the surface it appears that there’s only 20% of the public I might have as a political base. That statistic is incorrect. I won’t call it a lie because I’m above that sort of thing.

What I will say is that it is an untruth. Twenty percent of the good looking and intelligent and registered public have refused to affiliate with a political party. I applaud these fine Americans for their courage and willingness to sit on the fence in these troubled times.

Roughly forty percent of the rest of all voters are registered Democrats. The same is true of their Republican counterparts. What these numbers don’t note are the people who may be in both parties which, as far as we know, could be quite a few.

Statistics can be misleading and so, apparently, is the way in which people become “elected” during the primaries. There’s a lot of fuzzy math and super delegates and even, according to rumor, a gang bang with Strom Thurmond’s corpse. I’m not against gang bangs, by the way, but I’m not for them either. I do believe in math, however. Math is good. Math is the best and we, as a nation, need more math and more people to do our math for us.

We also need options. I like options, and not only because I own quite a few. America needs more options, and I am one of them. I’m a good option, a great option, and not just because I understand the plight of all Americans. I feel the pain that the voters of every party feel right now.

I feel the plight of the little boy whose job mowing lawns was taken away by the local landscaping company that is staffed with illegal immigrants. I feel for those illegal immigrants and the families back home they’re providing for. I feel for the small business owner who had to hire these illegal immigrants to remain competitive against the massive landscaping conglomerates overseas and in Mexico.

I feel, ladies and gentlemen, because I am a feeler. I feel that something pretty good is going to happen, and I would like to feel each and every one of you, if that’s what it takes to get your vote.

My name is Richard Black, and I’m running for President.

This post was originally published on The Unfit Father.