Humor

Reasons I Won’t Write About My Lady Garden

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There's a trend on the internet involving women writing about their private parts. And I just can't do it.

I see a trend where women are opening up (no pun intended) about the parts that make us women. I have seen some hilariously done items about grooming, yoga pants, and various things. I cannot do it, and here is a list of reasons why:

1) My phone autocorrects vagina to Bagina.

Obviously this will be a problem if I try to do Bagina dialogues. No one is going to know who Bagina is and why she is talking. Did Mandelynn have a third child? Should someone tell her what that name sounds like? I can’t worry people like that.

2) My father reads things that I write sometimes.

Some fathers and daughters have this really open relationship where they discuss things, or I’ve seen those episodes on TLC of A Baby Story where the mom’s dad is there. Where I come from, that’s called weird. I’m from planet Earth, so…

3) I can’t even type or say the words I looked up as synonyms for the v-word without blushing and sweating (upper lip sweat in case it matters).

I know that doesn’t necessarily mean anything to you as we are not face to face; however, some day if someone were to ask me about a post I wrote, I would never be able to talk to them again. It’s a fact. My social circle is already pretty small. I can’t take many losses without feeling it.

4) I don’t really have anything too exciting to say about my lady parts.

We have a pretty normal relationship at the moment. I mean, sure, when I sneeze sometimes we disagree about how she reacts to that phenomenon, but other than that we are totally on the same page. She doesn’t embarrass me and I do the same for her.

5) Some day my kids are going to learn to read.

Even with all my efforts to the contrary (I really love being able to forget the Christmas shopping list on the table with no pressure), conversations about my lady garden are much better to have in person than to read on the internet. I’m assuming. I can’t say for a fact. Let’s be honest: they are going to be so weirded out either way. Ya know what? Let’s let public school handle that.

Thank goodness for the brave women who are not pussy footing around the subject. I just can’t… I clam up every time.