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Real Tired of Your Sh*t, Preschooler: A Reality TV Docudrama

What if preschoolers' bedtimes were turned into a reality TV series? This is what they would look like.

This is the true story of one 3 year old … picked to go to bed … and actually sleep in that bed … except she doesn’t. To find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real: “Real Tired of your Shit, Preschooler.”

Episode one opens with the preschooler brushing her teeth and giving hugs and kisses. The little girl goes potty and tells everyone she loves them. This is for sure a heart-warmer. How could anything go wrong?

Cut to previews of next week’s episode: Water is spilled on the carpet (a sound effect is used to really drive home how much water spilling sucks). Some background talk tells about black mold caused by water spilling. The wrong stuffed animal is in her room. Things are about to get turnt up in here.

Episode two recaps the teeth brushing. Unfortunately, that is the last heart-warming sensation we will have in this episode. The tape goes straight to the water spill. Yikes, it was worse than we thought. She needs new PJ’s. I mean, really, she only got a drop of water on them, but she loudly proclaims she needs new pajamas. Now she’s getting belligerent. She begins blaming everyone else for the spill. They weren’t kidding: people really do stop being polite. It turns out the talk of black mold was from a TV show playing in the background. There is, in fact, no black mold forming in the house … that we know of.

Cut to previews of next week’s episode: Ok, looks like we get to that infamous stuffed animal that was teased in last week’s preview. I thought they forgot.

Episode three recaps the belligerent three year old demanding new pajamas. The black mold is no longer mentioned (some would argue it shouldn’t have been in the first place.) The three year old wanders from her room with a unicorn and says she doesn’t want it in her room anymore. She can’t have it anywhere in her room, not even in the toy box. It doesn’t make sense. However, that isn’t all on her list of crazy demands. She now needs a thing to bring into her room. A thing. You know, a thing. Nothing that is suggested is good enough. The young lady gets louder and louder. Sirens are heard in the background. Credits dramatically roll and she is shown facing the wall.

Cut to previews of next week’s episode: Oh, preschooler has gone and done it. She woke up her sister the kindergartner and things are not looking good. Sirens play again. Did the five year old call the cops? Tune in next week.

Episode four recaps the yelling and disorder that the preschooler is causing. By that, of course, we mean in terms of correct stuffed animals and pajama changes. The big sister yells for her dad. The sister is understandably crabby after having been awoken from her slumber. She’s slurring her speech. The sirens play and it turns out COPS is on the TV (Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?) How much TV do these parents watch? Maybe that is why they can’t get bedtime enforced.

Cut to previews of next week’s episode: The season finale and a reunion special highlighting when the girls meet again in the morning after their scuffle. I am on the edge of my seat.

Season finale: Five year old rolls over to go to sleep after yelling incoherently for something called “SHMICK TROUT.” I guess that wasn’t as exciting as the editing made it seem. Preschooler goes into bed. She does cry because she didn’t retrieve a new thing to bring to her bed by the count of 3, but the tears quickly turn to snores.

The reunion special shows both girls sitting across from each other while their mother picks out their outfits for the day. Kindergartner says, “You woke me up. I was tired.” Preschooler says, “I already know that, but I needed a thing.” They race to open the door and fight over who goes first.

Riveting reality TV right there, except wait. It’s not TV. IT’S MY LIFE.