Remember after having a baby when you finally got that first 5-hour chunk of sleep? Even if you woke up bursting with milk, didn’t you feel like the zombie fog had lifted? Like you could run a marathon? Like maybe you’d be a real person again someday?
Well, folks, there’s a reason God made us mothers, not men. And it’s because of poor souls like this writer for Buzzfeed, who slept for 4.5 hours a night (and took TWO NAPS DURING THE DAY) for one week as an “experiment” to see if he could do it.
Bahahahahaha. Sorry, need to catch my breath. Bahahahahahahahaha. Although this story ran a couple of years ago, it appears to have resurfaced, probably because a bunch of mothers got wind of it and are all responding with a collective AYFKM, bruh.
“If you’re like most of the population, you probably sleep in what’s called a ‘monophasic pattern’, which means you do all your sleeping in one 7-to-8 hour chunk,” Ryan Bergara’s post reads.
Um, no, we don’t. But please, do go on.
As a personal “test,” Bergara decided to follow sleep author Jackson Nexhip’s sleep schedule, which is sleeping 4.5 hours per night and taking two 20-minute naps during the day.
But he was really worried about his own health as he contemplated embarking on such a feat, so he consulted a sleep specialist at UCLA (a man who’d also never spawned life, BTW). Sleep specialist Alon Avidan strongly advised against such a dangerous endeavor, as “most people need 7 hours of sleep per night,” he cautioned.
(For the sake of the human race, I guess it’s a good thing we’re not “most people.”)
In the name of research, however, the determined Buzzfeed writer pressed on.
“Day 1 and Day 2 were especially hard for me. By Day 2, it was hard to get the energy to work out or complete daily functions,” he reports.
And the doctor had even warned him of what could happen, such as “slower reaction time, memory problems, cognitive problems, lack of creativity, and increased irritability.”
On day 4, Bergara says he was “so brain dead right now” and “incapable of doing anything.” By days 5 and 6 he couldn’t focus and got an odd case of the giggles.
Come day 7, he caved, saying he couldn’t handle anymore, and had to get more sleep.
I imagine you’re making the same face I am right now. And you’re probably thinking back to those first few weeks after birthing a human. Remember how your stitches pulled and you bled through your mesh panties and leaked milk through your shirt on Thanksgiving and still managed to grocery shop, cook dinner, and chase your toddler who tore past you, laughing maniacally and waving a Sharpie with a giant turd sticking out of his ass?
You probably could do all that because of those glorious 7-to-8 hours of sleep you got, right?
Oh, wait. You were lucky to get 4.5 hours. You’d probably have sacrificed a toe to get 5 or 6. And your reaction time had to remain on point as you drove to Target for diapers and caught your 2-year-old as she tried to jump out of the cart. Your cognitive abilities were tested at the pediatrician when you were quizzed on how many times the baby had peed or pooped or ate or was fussy or wasn’t fussy or slept or didn’t sleep and was everyone washing their hands before they touched her? And were you swaddling properly and ensuring she slept on her back in her crib? And your creativity was needed when your jealous toddler wanted to make a birdhouse with Mommy.
Okay, fine. Maybe the increased irritability was there. We’ll agree to that one.
As a mom who had three babies in five years, I’ve got to say sorry, Mr. Bergara. I know you meant well with your research. But until you do your “experiment” again for at least a month straight, immediately after having a live being ripped from your body; and also have to change pee-soaked sheets and feed that screaming baby twice during those 4.5 hours; and also skip those “naps” during the day because hahahahaha naps; and then have your spouse (who did sleep 7 to 8 hours) come home and ask what’s for dinner; or get up, shower, and go to work every day with your reaction time, cognitive abilities, and creativity completely unaffected because your paycheck depended on it… until you do ALL of those things, moms everywhere are probably going to ask you to politely take a seat. And they might hand you a baby or some laundry to fold.
But thanks for the “research project,” buddy. Sure hope you recovered okay.