Here is the deal: I can’t with you two breaking up.
I don’t want to be insensitive or selfish, but why are you doing this to me? I’m trying so hard to figure out what I did to make things fall apart. Did I not go to enough of your movies? Was it because I didn’t yell loud enough outside your home that I love you? Should I have signed the restraining order in pen instead of blending up my Good Will Hunting poster with Nuetrogena face wash to create a sort of goopy paint which I then strained into a jar and finally dipped a feather in to sign? If it’s that last one, how did you even know I did that?
Ok, now that I’ve set the appropriate tone, I want to address you both separately. I think it’s important to establish that you are two different people and have different needs. I assume I can trust you not to read the part that isn’t addressed to you? Scout’s honor? Ok, here we go.
This breakup has left me Dazed and Confused. I’m scared that if you don’t go after Jennifer, she’s going to be a Gone Girl. I mean, like, Gone, Baby, Gone. Sometimes when we are Changing Lanes in life we need a second to get to The Sum of All Fears to work through it. The Boiler Room is not where you make these decisions. Yes, she made the movie Valentines Day. It wasn’t great, but she doesn’t deserve to be left for it. There is still time to change your mind.
This is no time to be playing Catch Me If You Can. I understand that sometimes we have Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Days. It’s not like Ben Is Just Not that Into You, because he totally is so into you. I mean, who wouldn’t love you after that movie Valentines Day? Show me one person and I’ll show you a liar. If you can love him after Jersey Girl, what can’t you two get through? Do not become a Ghost of Girlfriends Past. Dig in.
I’m pretty sure I have convinced you to get back together. There is no need to thank me. I would do it for anyone.