As usual, after another one of our nation’s mass shootings (which seem to occur as frequently as the Kardashians procreate), the debates are fired up again. This time, more than ever, there seems to be a push to arm teachers. And since THE STATE OF FLORIDA just this past week voted against laws restricting the purchase of assault-style rifles like the ones used in pretty much every mass shooting in the past 20 years, I can understand why.
We are all scared and frustrated and know that we need to do something. The government appears unwilling to do anything. So arming teachers is the next best thing, right?
Sure. I mean, Mr. Stevenson, the about-to-retire science teacher with 2-inch thick bifocals can just hide his handgun in the lab, with all the beakers and microscopes. And sweet little Mrs. Murray–the eccentric art teacher who wears butterfly dresses and clogs—she’ll need one for her paint closet.
Don’t forget about the brand-new teachers, fresh out of college, who sort of look like high schoolers themselves. Better get them armed, which won’t cause any confusion when the SWAT team shows up, in riot gear, fully equipped with guns they are actually trained to use, and find 22-year-old Mr. Michaels shakily pointing his gun at the door, readying himself to shoot an intruder.
Better hope, Mr. Michaels, that it’s the intruder coming around the corner as you close your eyes and pull the trigger and not a student running back from the bathroom or the principal, making rounds to make sure everyone is okay. Don’t want to mess that up your first year of teaching! Doesn’t look good on the old resume, buddy. I mean, I know you have little to no training in combat situations or really any situation with a gun, but this meager teacher salary that barely pays off your student loans is totally worth it. Didn’t you know this is what being a teacher meant?
But the teachers aren’t the only ones who deserve to be armed, people! What about the custodians? The poor men and women who clean up puke and throw away milk cartons and chicken nuggets the kids leave behind. They are on their feet most of the day, so they’ll just need holsters for theirs.
Oh, how about sweet old Miss Kathy, the 72-year-old school secretary who has been there for 40 years? She’ll probably need her own glock right there by her calculator and picture of her 8 grandkids at Disney last year.
How about the crossing guard? Sweet Miss May, who gives the kids pencils on Halloween every year because “all that candy will rot your teeth!” And my kids’ bus driver! Don’t they deserve guns if everyone else is getting one?
Everyone else IS getting one, right? I mean, how do we pick and choose who gets the safety and security of carrying around an armed weapon in their belt like Indiana fricking Jones as they try to focus on educating America’s youth all day?
And don’t forget the substitutes, getting paid $60 to manage 25 unruly kids they don’t know who ask to go the bathroom 800 times so they can meet their BFF in the hall and do a quick Snapchat. They get a weapon too, right? Like when they check in the at the main office in the morning? Hi, Mrs. Johnson. Thanks for helping out! We were really in a pinch with so many teachers out with this darn flu. Here’s your visitor’s badge, a bell schedule, and your firearm. Don’t forget to hand it back in at 3:30! Have a good day and stop by the teacher’s lounge! Someone brought in bagels today!
Are you fucking kidding me? This isn’t the damn Oprah Winfrey Show. You get a gun! You get a gun! EVERYBODY GETS A GUN! How do educated people with any sense not see this as complete anarchy? Our nation has exponentially more guns per person than any other nation. And exponentially more gun deaths than any other nation. And Americans are like, Ooooh, you know what we need? Not stricter gun laws, silly. We need MORE people to have guns. Because somehow that will make the astronomical number of people who die every year decrease.
I think Dr. Seuss could have had a field day with this insanity.
Guns at baseball games! Guns at school!
Guns at the playground, grocery store, and pool!
And why stop at schools? How about the dentist? Man, don’t want to be unarmed there. Never know what disgruntled patient might come in with a loose crown.
At any given moment, if we are all armed, we can all just engage in a Wild West shoot-out and solve all our country’s problems. Such a better solution than ridiculously stupid other ideas like restricting gun purchases and limiting the number of rounds a gun can hold and improving our background check system. What dumb-asses came up with those ideas?!
I just hope the PTA is listening because arming teachers is going to be a FAB school fundraiser next year. And, when the holidays come around, kids can fill up that cute “best teacher ever” coffee mug with bullets now instead of chocolates!
Everyone wins! Especially the NRA.