By Joanna McClanahan of Ramblin’ Mama
Last week I wrote a piece on necklaces designed to look like vaginas. The popularity of those poon pendants may have forced an Etsy shop to temporarily shut down, but it appears as though the peen pin trend is also on the…well…rise.
Vivienne Westwood’s autumn/fall 2017 collection at the London Fashion Week Men’s Show this past week featured some ornately-bejeweled babymaker brooches:
What in the button bukake is happening here? Seriously. I’m trying to imagine a single scenario in which diamond-studded dick accessories seem like the appropriate choice.
A job interview at PornHub?
At the wedding of someone you don’t really like?
Junior Prom?
And if you like the idea of penis brooches but that’s just too much boner bling than you’re comfortable with, fret not; there are plenty of metallic members to choose from:
(Note that they’re not available in blue.)
This isn’t the first time Westwood has gotten attention for her phallic fashion. A few years ago she sent Rhianna a $442 ‘penis clutch’ with a metallic phallus on it. And last year for her autumn/fall 2016 collection in Milan, Westwood sent her models down the runway in these chub chokers:
I bet nobody saw those coming. You have to admit, it took some balls to make them.
There are some other eclectic erections available for purchase on Westwood’s website as well, including this $85 ‘Caetano Penis Single Stud‘:
According to the website, this stud “features Vivienne’s unmistakeable signature penis cast in a lustrous silver tone, with the Orb emblem finely enamelled in black across the centre.” Which sounds so much better than what it really is: a silver schlong stud with what appears to be the most uncomfortable tattoo possible on it.
I know what you’re thinking: “These are great, but what I really want is a penis accessory I can actually blow.” Well, for $325, you can have just that:
This Penis Whistle Key Ring is described as “a functioning whistle, hanging from a branded ring and finished with a 3D miniature Orb charm.” Except you can’t buy one because they’re currently out of stock and nothing about our world makes any fucking sense.
Either way, we don’t see these decorative dicks pulling out of the fashion scene anytime soon.
But we can’t keep the penis jokes up forever.
They’re just too hard.