There is a reason your toddler and the family dog are good friends; actually, there are several. If you’ve spent any length of time with them, you’ll notice they have a great deal in common. Here are a few similarities:
1. They don’t like to wear clothes.
Maybe you’ve tried to get Fido to sport a cute poncho in the rain or a sweater on cool evening walks. He attempts to chew any fabric, knit or otherwise, off his body, oblivious to the fact that he’s biting his own skin in the process.
Your toddler may also have issues with clothing. The ages of two and three aren’t known as the fashion years. Your little anti-fashionista may tear diapers off in a single pull during the night or run naked through the yard. Someday this will change and your once nude-loving tot will beg for fashion’s finest. Your dog, however, will never enjoy clothing.
Please, stop trying!
2. They have no table manners.
The troublesome twosomes enjoy eating with their mouths—ONLY their mouths. On a good day, your toddler may use his fingers. Your dog will dive head on into bowls of kibble while your toddler does the same with whatever is set in front of him or anyone else for that matter. Sometimes toddlers simply can’t be bothered with utensils.
Another reason for their deplorable table manners is their lack of patience. Toddlers simply can’t wait the additional fifteen seconds it takes you to find and offer up a spoon. And, of course, dogs can’t use forks; not well anyway.
3. They burp and fart whenever and wherever they want.
They are often silent and happen without their knowledge. The dog will fart, roll over and look at you as if you’ve dropped a toxic stink bomb from your ass. Sometimes they will frighten or wake themselves with the loud noise. Your toddler may squeal in delight when he lets one go. You will teach him to say “excuse me,” but you won’t be able to do the same for your dog.
4. Both have pooped and peed in inappropriate places.
These may include, but are not limited to, your floor, your backyard, or your shoe—likely multiple times. This is true especially if you have a young dog or a toddler you are still attempting to train. And you are responsible for cleaning up after both of them when they rid themselves of bodily waste, regardless of the number. Your child will one day use a potty, but your dog will always rely upon you to scoop the poop.
5. They like to play rough.
They have no idea how sharp their nails are, how hard their heads are, or how to control their own bodies in relation to yours. The dog will run into you, the toddler will do superhero punches, and you will often be on the receiving end. Neither of them seems to understand that that shit hurts!
[/nextpage] [nextpage title=”Page 2″ ]6. Dogs and toddlers do not like to share.
You will have to teach the kids that when the dog plays with his bone, they should not interrupt. With the toddler, it will become your responsibility to teach him the rules of sharing. If you play with it first, your sister needs a turn. He will fight you on this, sometimes employing aggressive tactics such as punching, screaming, and biting. Eventually, he will learn those who don’t share get shunned. This will be a bigger lesson than the daily conversations you tried to have.
7. Neither your dog, nor your toddler, will enjoy engaging in hygienic activities.
They will only do so when forced. They both abhor taking baths, having nails trimmed, or brushing teeth. Toddlers and dogs don’t want to be fussed over.
The dog will lick himself clean at inopportune times such as holidays, family dinners, and birthday parties. The grandparents will pretend not to notices as Fido cleans his boy balls.
The toddler also has a serious and unrelenting hatred of hygiene, unless he is taking care of it himself, which basically means running with a toothbrush filled with toothpaste that he will suck off like it’s candy. Then he will ask for more assuring you that he never put any on the brush in the first place. Yum!
8. You have to control them when taking walks.
With your dog, you’ll use a leash when walking. For your toddler, you’ll hold his hand or use one of those cute backpacks. It attaches to him with a string you can hold. Of course, these are really just glorified leashes that make us feel less like assholes because they have monkeys and frogs on them.
If by any chance your dog or toddler escapes your grasp, they will run at record speed through parking lots and into streets. Both people parents and pet parents will stare at you as if you’ve pushed them rather than just lost your grip.
Thankfully, both toddlers and dogs are cute and sweet, and because of this we love them in spite of their less than appropriate behavior.
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