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8-ish Secrets to Becoming a Disorganized Mess

Becoming a disorganized mess is the new hot thing. Here are 8 secrets to get you there (hint: you're likely already well on your way!).

Have you found yourself in an organizational crisis? Is it all getting to be too much? Have you finally realized that organizing your closet according to color, sleeve length, and then country of origin might be, umm, how do I say…obsessive?

Don’t worry. I’m not here to haul you away for treatment (like your friends and family requested). Instead, I have 8-ish easy steps that will help you sink into a pit of disorganization. Don’t be scared of the pit of disorganization; it’s a lot like a ball pit at the play areas, only you won’t have to elbow all the kids out of the way to play in there.

The key is in making the pit of disorganization look like the newest hot thing.

1) Let the piece of you that takes pride in appearances slip into a coma. Someday it can come back if you want, but you have some shit to get through first. Sleepless nights with the baby, spit-up drenched clothes (just turn them inside out–no need to dirty another pair), sicknesses, 25 art projects a week from school strewn around your car, outgrown clothes to sort through, season changes in clothes, mail, etc.

2) Practice visualization. I personally enjoy visualizing myself on a beach with a cabana boy roasting marshmallows. “Oh, Manuel, you have marshmallow on your nose–let me get that for you…”

3) Have kids to disguise how disorganized you are. Kids are the perfect scapegoat. I went with two in case people thought one was too manageable. You can use your own discretion.

4) Don’t become disorganized in every part of your life. You still need to be a functioning adult, even if a low functioning one. Keep up on things just enough to avoid an intervention.

5) Never wear matching socks. How did you even manage to find those? Finding matching socks means you are doing everything wrong and need to start over. Do you really even want this? Time to recommit yourself to the goal.

6) Find those signs that say, “My house was organized yesterday. Sorry you missed it.” Get three of them. Place them in common areas of the house. Practice ways to subtly point it out to your guests. For example, while gesturing with your wine glass, maybe spill a drop or two (no more than that) and then wipe it up while guffawing at the sign. Ok, maybe not guffawing–giggling.

7) Call your children in to “help” organize. Set a stop watch to see how long it takes for them to break your spirit with their “help.” I think my personal record is 6 minutes, 48 seconds. Sooo close to seven.

8-13) Damnit! Focus on the first ten while I find the other ones. I know I wrote them down some place. I’m sure that I put them with all the other paperwork…next to the pans in the shelf under the oven…. I bet one of those kids took them… No wonder I can’t get myself together. I don’t even care anymore. Whatevs.

Bask in the gloriousness of not giving a rat’s… Oh, cabana boy! Where are you?!