By Joanna McClanahan of Ramblin’ Mama
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby and the endless tweet material. Being married with kids means you probably don’t know what day it is, but you’re sure you’re the only person who ever bothers to refill the filtered water.
It means “getting lucky” is more likely to refer to sleeping through the night than having sex. It means arguing about what you’re going to eat and what you’ll watch on TV until one of you dies.
Luckily, there are a lot of funny people on Twitter who also understand the struggle of being married with kids:
wife: Let’s fool around after the kids go to bed
narrator: But they never did fool around
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 2, 2017
If you hold your newborn baby up to your ear, you can hear your friends having fun without you.
— (@kolby182) August 15, 2014
Not so much “in sickness and in health,” but more “in back-seat driving and open-mouth chewing.”
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) January 5, 2017
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn’t wanna share.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 30, 2015
Does my husband think I’m manipulative? Only when I want him to.
— ʆℴ εffเпɠ-ԃเɠɠเƚყ (@WhaJoTalkinBout) January 5, 2017
Dinner time with kids is great if you like spending 60 minutes trying to change the subject from Minecraft.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 13, 2017
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) July 19, 2016
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 2, 2016
Wife: I’m leaving you-
Me: Oh thank god I’m not the only one that felt this was over
Wife: …in charge while I go to the grocery store
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) January 12, 2017
Get married so you can fail miserably at fulfilling new expectations your wife silently sets for you each and every day.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) January 2, 2017
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
— PunchyK (@AnkCoupleTO) December 21, 2016
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: The laundry?
Me: Mmmmmm…and make sure my yoga pants are in there.
— Ramblin’ Mama (@ramblinma) November 16, 2016
Him: Sorry, I found another woman
Me: Does she like kids, can she babysit?
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) January 4, 2017
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 14, 2014
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016
Me: I’m exhausted.
Husband: Didn’t you take a 2 hour nap?
Me: What do you mean by that?
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) February 16, 2016
Wife: why are you breathing like that?
Ahh marriage. When you can be questioned for continuing to live.
— Jeff (@usermcuserface) November 29, 2016
Him: Every time we’re out without the kids, she just ignores me and gets drunk.
Therapist: Is that true?
Me: *pouring shots* is what true
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 20, 2016
So there you have it: the funniest tweets on being married with kids. Although it’s possible they’re not that funny and I’m just chronically exhausted. HAHAHA ROFL LMAO DYING, literally.
Please, I just need some sleep.