The holidays offer plenty of reasons to be stressed out: the cooking, gift exchanges, never-ending lists of obligations, and hosting your semi-racist extended family (on your spouse’s side, of course.) It’s supposed to be a time of love and joy, but those all too often spiral into yuletide guilt and cinnamon-scented anxiety.
If you find yourself struggling to cope with allofthethings, these tweets are guaranteed to get you into the Christmas spirit (or at least make you feel moderately less Grinch-y).
1. The holiday spirit starts with the cards we receive…
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy. pic.twitter.com/7yjpErfirw
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne)December 16, 2015
2. …And the ones we send.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) December 7, 2014
3. We feel it when making things merry and bright…
Not right now, sweetie. Mommy’s losing her shit trying to turn this house into a Winter Wonderland.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) November 27, 2016
4. …Even when it’s one jingle bell at a time.
I put silver bells on the door knobs and now when my toddler slams the door in a fit of rage, it’s a cheerful, holiday fit of rage.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) November 28, 2016
5. …And in the face of unpleasant current events.
Putting up Christmas decorations in my apocalypse bunker and my panic room today. God, I love this time of year.
— beth can’t with this (@bourgeoisalien) November 13, 2015
6. Speaking of which, I’ll just leave this here, too.
Listen to Feliz Navidad while you still can guys
— Bottlerocket (@bottlerocket13) November 25, 2016
7. It’s in the time we spend (or don’t spend) with the ones we love…
Financial tip: If you alienate everyone who loves you, the holidays get a lot cheaper.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) December 21, 2014
8. …and in the veiled threats we give them.
“SANTA DOESN’T BRING TOYS TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T WEAR PANTS!”
-things I yell during the holidays.
— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) November 22, 2016
9. It’s in the food we eat…
All the steps on my Fitbit today have just been to get up and get more food.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) November 24, 2016
10. …And the food we keep anyone else from eating.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
— Foxy Wine Pocket (@FoxyWinePocket) November 28, 2014
11. …And in the consequences of all the food we’re constantly eating.
THE ONLY PANTS THAT FIT ME AFTER TODAY ARE HAMMER PANTS
— Dave-O (@OldUncleDaveO) November 25, 2016
12. It’s in the gifts we give.
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Hope you enjoy this sheet set I bought you at the grocery store.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) December 2, 2016
13. It’s in the Christmas music we listen to…
That Baby it’s Cold Outside song would have been way shorter if she’d had some pepper spray.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 4, 2015
14. …No matter how early we start listening.
me: wow its WAY TOO EARLY to be playing christmas music. like stop
jesus: cool ill remember that near your bday u piece of shit
— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) December 11, 2014
15. If you’re a parent, you know that Christmastime imposes all kinds of extra expectations, like advent calendars…
Advent calendars are great for when you want your kids to have 24 more reasons to wake up before sunrise and ask for candy.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) December 1, 2016
16. …And the motherfucking elf on the motherfucking shelf.
Stay woke. pic.twitter.com/y3uH2cE2DT
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) December 2, 2016
17. …And thinking quickly on your feet in order to uphold tradition.
5 (crying): Peter from my class said Santa’s not real.
Me: Peter’s a little bitch who wouldn’t last a day in prison.
— Dr. Meh (@TheAlexNevil) December 24, 2014
18. Regardless of who you spend the holidays with, don’t forget the most important spirit(s) of all.
Me: How much for the holiday cheer?
Costco: That’s vodka sir.
Me: Whatever, I’ll take a case.
— The Cultured Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) November 28, 2016
I hope that this provided you with some much-needed laugh therapy. If nothing else, I hope you bookmark it to show Aunt Jean when she starts talking about politics, so you can buy yourself a few minutes to make another drink.
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